Re-Invention

Hmmmmm

Tue, 21 Jul 2009 17:46:12 +0200

The stats say that people are reading my blog. I haven't been here for ages! An update on life for those who are still around...

It's health that is the issue at the moment. My boyfriend (now fiance) has swine flu. His mother is struggling with the affects of chemotherapy and may not be around much longer. He is her full time carer. Thank goodness other members of his family are around to help him. His father died a year ago and he's hardly got over that.

My father went into intensive care last year. He's a lot better now but it has made him very frail. My mother is having radiotherapy for skin cancer. They are coping on their own with the help of respite care.

I've just been in hospital for a loop excision on the cervix - second time around as the first one didn't work. The anaesthetic knocked me for six as expected.

At least I still have a job even though I barely have the energy to cook for myself when I get home at 7.

Well, it's not a good time, but it will get better one day.

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This is now a work blog

Thu, 10 May 2007 00:13:19 +0200

Five months! It doesn't seem possible. Six months since going out with B. Everything going well. All very positive.

It's not about B and love life or that kind of stuff I'm writing about now. This is going to be a work blog for a while. Then and now. Lady with no name to lady with something to say. Hmmmmm.... How to start.

Today I was standing up infront of 5 young lads about to start training in IT. Nervous lads. They were all unemployed before coming to our company. This is the start of their future. And I'm playing a large part in it. Not just organising but helping with the soft skills training and giving them backup and form to the 6 month course.

I stood up infront of them and spoke. And they listened. And they smiled. And they answered questions I posed. And they looked to me for reassurance when my boss (standing beside me giving them her own in your face version of training) challenged them. I'm still in shock that the person who started writing this blog last year is the one who has just been promoted, company car, much more responsibility and lots of opportunities for development.

Is that really the same person !!!!!!!!!

The blog might be transferred to the council's intranet but until then I'll write unedited.

It begins.....

We have 6 weeks to get this up and running. Can you do it?

Um, well, OK yes. I can do it.......... I WILL do it.

Here's the business case. Here's the outline course. You still need to do your normal job and we'll give you as much help as we can.

(Actually, I'm still being paid as a typist, but never mind, it will stand me in good stead)

Get to it. Plan timescales. Organise trainers. Interviews. Tests.

Whole day of presentations. I have a session, big boss has a session, HR have a session. Was I nervous, or was I nervous???? Oh, my goodness. Said the same thing over and over, forgot what I was talking about and went blank, nervous voice. Oh, well, big boss was very sympathetic.

Letters. Phone calls. Interview feedback to the unlucky candidates... that was an interesting experience. First person who called I told them where they went wrong. It was supposed to be easy as it was all written down for me.

Wrong.

I messed up. Boss, very politely (she's good at acting) Remember we interviewed a lot of very high quality candidates and it was a difficult decision.

OK. Next one that called, start with the high calibre of candidates, then positive remarks, then the bits that they can improve on. That felt a lot better. By the time I had spoken to all the unsuccessful candidates I sounded like an expert on interview techniques and even the mothers were ringing me thanking me for my feedback. How cool is that? (not my phrase)

Then the successful candidates call in with their passports and grins from ear to ear. Now it all feels real. All the planning and blood sweat and tears are paying off. The process works! And we have some really good trainees who just needed this chance to make something of themselves.

Contracts. Accounts. Timetable. Re-write the timetable. Talk to engineers. Re-write timetable. Get an idea of the course as an entity, not just 25 pages of lessons. This is getting hairy! Just a week till the course starts.

Suddenly the whole office came together and we all helped eachother.

It was no longer my course, my headache, but OUR course and they were HELPING.

They were helping ME.

Yes, of course it's their job and they want it to be successful. So they were helping themselves too.

But wasn't it wierd to have people on my side.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO FIGHT!

But.

Gulp! What are we doing to these people? Giving them the corporate spiel? I don't think that's going to do anything for them, or for us. They've worked in shoe shops and burger bars, this is not going to go down well with them.

Same time the boss has a gulp moment and takes bull by the horns. We look more closely at the timetable and make it more user friendly. The slides we were promised didn't come till the last minute. I can't be doing with that. I'll make it up as I go along.

That looks better. Not only does the timetable look better, I realise I'm using skills I hadn't used for year. Talking to my boss and she listens. Contributing. Understanding. Feedback. Negotiating. Comparing. And I'm learning much more directly from her. This is someone who might even be a role model. Me, who never had role models. Interesting turn in life.

We did play the 'it's up to you' dance.

She: It looks like I'm doing all the lectures now.

Me: I can do this one if you like. This one is right up my street and I'd love to do it. Would you like me to do any?

She: Do you think you'll be alright doing it?

Me: Yes. I need to get on and do it. For myself as much as anything. Would it be helpful for you if I took some sessions?

She: Well, whatever. I don't mind. It's up to you. If you want to do it then go ahead.

Me (thinks): Does she mean she's being a kind boss and giving me some scope but she really wants to do it? I can't tell what she means. I have to do what I want to do. Which is take some sessions myself. Even if I'm no good. I need the practice then I won't dry up.

Got that out of the way. Starts on Tuesday. Are you ready? No, I'll work over the weekend. Practice what I'm going to say then I wont dry up.

Weekend. B gives me pep talk. I must look at it as an acting job (that's his profession, so reasonable he thinks like that). By end of weekend I was confident but still didn't feel I could speak what I'd planned.

Re-wrote the lot and it sounded much better.

B gave me a confidence exercise which worked. It seemed to change the nerve pathways in my brain. One day I'm going to write a book about this and how all the threads come together, change, tennis, Alexander Technique, meditation, re-learning ways of thinking, being. One day I'll have the words to put them together and it'll make a lot of sense.

It's the end of day 2 today. I'm far more relaxed with the group and speaking infront of everyone. Exhausted too. Happy exhausted. I went to pottery this evening and threw some new shapes, did a good job, found some energy to be really creative. Thank goodness that's still there despite all the energy I'm using up at work.

I think tomorrow I'll write about the trainees. There are group dynamics going on that we've encouraged. This time I'm on the outside watching and not on the inside doing. Very different experience. Enlightening. Humbling. I feel very privaleged to be part of this.

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Is this it?

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 00:36:25 +0100

A month has passed since I wrote. Yes, what a month. I hardly know where to start. Infact it seems odd to be writing. What do I say? B and I are going well? We spend as much time as we can together? That would be an understatement.

There are still some things to be got through...

Like he's really nervous about coming to my house. That's important to me though, and we've talked about it. Like meeting his friends. Meeting eachothers families. I'm not really ready for that. It's just so nice to be in our own little bubble. We had our first night together which was amazing. I didn't have to go home and we could spend the whole night chatting, hugging, touching. We hardly slept and paid for it the next day.

We can't have new years eve together cos he always has a gig on new years eve. He's not comfortable with me seeing him perform yet. Because his public side is so opposite to his private side.

Our backgrounds are very different. Doesn't worry me, but will it worry my family?

I tell you, there is nothing better in the world than being treated like a woman. With love. With respect. With protection and space when I want it. To be teased with such grace. To be sung to. To have a song written about me. To dress up and be appreciated. To dress to impress him rather than try to look good and still be ignored.

We text eachother all day and evening when we aren't together. Often romantic, sometimes sexy. Text sex is a bit cumbersome but possible. Good fun!

I still look for those nagging doubts. The ones I should have listened to with previous relationships. What are they here? Can I live with them? Well, he likes to look good and I catch him looking at himself in mirrors when we are out. That's really funny. Quite cute really. He loves attention I think and gets plenty as a performer. But with me he's hardly like that at all. What else? He loves his little dog. That's not a problem at all. She's devoted to him.

He's a couple of stone overweight. This is a problem as he had a heart attack about 8 years ago and our late nights and other antics recently brought on an angina attack. His diet is dreadful. Maybe he'll want to eat a bit better in time. Though if that's the way he wants to be I'll live with it. He's got a temper and that got him into trouble in the past. I think he keeps away from trouble now because of his health. When I look at my ex's latent temper and compare it with B's, there is a world of difference. My man does not have that kind of temper at all.

He says I analyse things too much and now I'm learning to go with my feelings more and analyse less.

Only time will tell.

I'll write more soon if anyone is interested in the ramblings of a 50 something woman in love!

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The big question - do we or don't we?

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 10:02:20 +0100

About Pollygarter's comment on whether to have sex if you both want to or to hold off for a time.

Take J. No longer dating him but I miss him even though he had far too much baggage for comfort. Maybe the most open and interesting sexual relationship I'll ever have. We were very compatible. He misses me too. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week. There was chemistry at first sight, thought it was more, but turned out not. I suppose I'd have stuck with him through the baggage if I'd have thought about it. Maybe I bailed out too soon. On the other hand I have a history of sticking too long with relationships that are one sided.

Take F. He called me up yesterday and he said I hadn't given him enough of a chance and we should get back together again. We talked more on the phone than we'd done in all the time we were seeing eachother. I probably didn't give the process enough of a chance, but I was just feeling uncomfortable with him.

We had sex on our first date and it wasn't great at all. We both wanted to, but in retrospect, maybe I didn't want to as much as I thought. Perhaps if we'd developed more of a relationship it would have been better. We'd have been communicating.

Now is a chance to try a different way.

B. and I met up last Sunday for a drink and he just made me feel really comfortable and happy. We saw eachother Tuesday evening and it feels like I've known him longer. Off to spend the day together today. I'd better turn off the computer and get ready! Just a peck on the cheek from him.

Chemistry. I can feel it growing inside me. Now that might just be a result of my own needs and desires. Or part of the relationship. I don't know at all.

In the background is T. We've had some interesting talks on line. Had thought about meeting but he backed down. We talked about chemistry and letting it run away with us prematurely. He'd had a couple of encounters he'd regretted. He may have been saying that without meaning it, but it's food for thought.

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The hanky panky on a week night

Mon, 06 Nov 2006 23:52:26 +0100

Well, I gave in. When F. walked through the door I felt like I needed a hug. He was late, as usual. No apology. We walked up to the restaurant, had a nice meal, quite nice conversation, went for a walk after, showed him a lovely local bit of London. Not very close. He said he really liked me and felt a lot closer to him. I said I didn't feel I knew him all that well. He opened up a bit more on the walk which was nice.

I don't know, there was something empty. We got back to mine for a coffee. Then I gave in. I don't know why I do it, why I don't say no. He's not particularly stunning. But I do find it funny the way he expects me to provide the condom. Anyway, he enjoyed himself, not much of a look in for me. At least this time he wasn't up and away within 15 minutes. More like 30 minutes.

I think I laughed when he left. What on earth is going on? I asked myself why do I do it? A quick email from him in the week, then he had to go and visit his daughter who just had a baby. Fair enough. Nice to have a break anyway. Quiet weekend.

Who said quiet weekend?

First J. old boyfriend rings. We have a lovely chat and wonder what it would be like to get back together again. I still turn him on when we talk on the phone. It was so, so, so funny! (And very nice to have an open friendship with J. still) He was jerking off while I talked to him and just before THE moment his girlfriend rang on his mobile. This has to go down in the most funniest moments of my life. He rang back later to apologise and generously thought it was as funny as I thought. Not enough there for him to drop his girlfriend and I wanted to finish with F. before commiting ourselves. Still, it was nice to talk to him.

Next. Two lovely lads on the dating site. The One into the Archers and the other a professional musician I wrote about last time. Both lovely. Easy to write to. Then Archers suddenly stopped writing and withdrew his profile. I waited a few days and nothing. Wrote to say sorry not to hear from him. Nothing. Oh, well, another one sounds interesting then suddenly stops. You can never tell with people.

Writing a bit more to the musician and we decided to meet yesterday. I can't begin to explain what an incredible difference it was to meet somebody who actually made me feel good about myself. I can't explain what it was he did, but I felt I could really trust him. And what a gentleman. I resolved this time I'd get to know him before a physical relationship. No worries about that. It didn't arise and I didn't mind at all. A relief actually.

This made me think about the chemical attraction business. No doubt about it, the feeling is great. I had that for years with my ex husband (though it wasn't reciprocated) and still do with J. who is the most totally unsuitable long term partner but great in bed. It made me think about the subject of sex early on in a relationship and whether it really was a good idea if you want a long term relationship.

They say about a man not respecting you if you have sex too early. In that case I went wrong quite a few times. Those chemicals are great. But maybe it's time to keep the good memories and try it a different way.

I don't know the answer. All I know is this guy made me feel very different to others I've met. Time will tell. We are arranging to meet for dinner tomorrow.

And then in the mean time, damnit, Archers wrote back and apologised for not writing, some family problems. A very nice letter. A really nice letter. Aw gawd. So I decided to be totally honest, say I'd been a bit of an idiot to jump to conclusions and I'd just started to see someone. Told him I didn't know what to do. No point in being anything but honest. I don't think I know what I want at all.

I wrote a dear John email to F. this evening. What a coward to do it by email. I didn't really know what else to do. He never emails, never phones, just very short text messages. Glad I did it though, it wasn't going anywhere.

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How many men?

Sun, 29 Oct 2006 15:25:23 +0100

Cooling off with F.

F. eventually contacted me on Monday, emailed to say he had a nice time. Some short notes back and forth. On Thursday I finally sorted out when I would see my daughter's play at RADA - Saturday evening. Son coming over for the day Sunday. So I apologised for the late notice but would he like a quiet evening on Friday or I could cook him lunch Saturday. No, he's going to a funeral on Saturday. Another time. OK, another time. Today he suggested we meet up at mine and go for a meal on Monday. That's OK, but there's no way I'm indulging in hanky panky on a week night on a full stomach. Let's see if it's me he likes or if he has a typical one track mind.

Old boyfriend J.

In the mean time.....

Talk about having fun....

J. called, the ex boyfriend. It was really nice talking to him again and even though there were a lot of difficult things between us, we definitely have good communications. I wonder if it would work better if I ignore all the long term no-no's like his ex wife and problems with contact with his children and his odd friends. Well, we're keeping in touch.

The guy I was corresponding with has fizzled out, though he said he wanted to carry on, things were getting interesting. I can't figure people out somehow. Maybe they just want a pen pal.

Another guy who was really, and I mean really, interesting. Quite a sharp tongue on him. Very intellectual. Was going well then that stopped suddenly.

And now a very sweet guy who is a professional guitarist and singer and even lives locally. Wants to meet for a drink.

I'm feeling very much on my own and loving it. Totally.

Food for thought - I remember what my therapist said to me, about being attracted to men who are unavailable for some reason. Hmmmmm....

R. can't be contacted

While all this is going on, my telephone friend R. who I've been talking to most nights for the past few years is really ill (cancer and secondaries all over the place) and can't contact me. His old partner has stopped work to look after him. He's very protective of him. All these men together, can't be good. I feel a bit useless as I've always been able to cheer up R. even in his darkest times. I hope he's OK. He managed to send out a secretive email to me to say he's still alive but not quite kicking but I can't write back or it'll be discovered that he's contacted me.

At least he's still alive.

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Mating with a stone

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 23:46:28 +0200

Why on earth would I be sitting here on a Saturday night writing a blog? Could it be something to do with my date going wrong. Correct.

It started off well. Last two times F. was late, just a bit, but it doesn't feel good waiting around for someone and I don't know whether they will turn up and waiting in a strange underground station.

This time I decided I'd be late. I texted him and said I'm running late will be there half an hour later than arranged. That was OK. Going around the gallery was sort of interesting. We saw the Velasquez exhibition at the National Gallery. I joked with him that this time he didn't need one of those headphone guides as he had me. He lasted 10 minutes and ran for the guide.

Those guides are quite extraordinary. We complain on the tube and the bus about people who have their iPods on too loud. Yet here we were in an art gallery trying to concentrate, every one of us. And all over the place you could hear the cheep cheep cheep of those guides and linking music. What a racket!

I tried to talk to F. about some of the paintings, stuff they didn't put in the guides. But he really did not understand. I pride myself in communicating arty things to non arty people. But I gave up on F.

Not to worry. My turn for lunch. We ate at the gallery and had a lovely meal. I asked him all about his teenage years and 20's and felt some kind of connection with him hearing some of the stuff he talked about. How he opened up. Stuff he's never talked to anyone about before. Then we went off for a nice walk and I promised him I'd find a way to cheer him up. It poured with rain, so romantic walking over the Thames, big Ben and the houses of Parliament against a black sky with the sun on the river and a rainbow behind us.

We stopped off in a cafe on the south bank, soaking wet. Had some wine. Then I engaged him in a conversation about quantum physics. Not that I know much about it, but I'm curious about the non-existence of things we've taken for granted. He's a physicist. Great discussion. Going well.

He wanted to come back to my place. Didn't take long to say yes. But I don't know what it is. It's like trying to mate with a stone again. And after it was the same thing. Quick shower while I was downstairs making a bit of dinner (home made soup). He didn't want to eat and couldn't get out of the house fast enough (9pm). He's so all over me and romantic and when it comes down to it, there's nothing there.

I dunno. I'm not going to contact him first this time. See what happens. Next time (if there is a next time) there's no going back to my place.

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Getting better all the time

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 21:48:07 +0200

Better... better... better...

First off, they've extended my contract until the end of December. And that means not only will I have a nice Christmas for the first time in years, I can get stuck into my job and make it interesting and challenging for me. They are really piling on the variety. Now it looks like I'm going to be cleaning up their database. Grotty job, needs a lot of concentration, understanding of the system (which I don't have too much yet) and when it's done I'll be the star of the show because nobody else would do it.

F. my Persian date carried on being georgous. We had a really nice meal in the Persian restaurant. He didn't hold back with his affections. It was a very romantic meal. Afterwards there was nowhere really to go so he offered to drive me back to my house. I made him promise a cup of coffee and no more. Needless to say, his affections got the better of me and I thought what's the point in playing hard to get when I want to be got. If that means he doesn't respect me afterwards then maybe I'll learn the hard way.

Trouble is, he went home quite abruptly afterwards and didn't contact me even after I emailed him twice. Serves me right, I thought. Got to learn somehow. It was fun.

So I went back on the dating sites and corresponded with a few interesting fellows. One turned out to be some kind of freak who I cut off straight away. You can never tell from the profiles. One I contacted who was rather georgous but his replies to me were curt and felt a bit like game playing. He wanted an intelligent woman who would speak her mind. I did. He wrote back rather more conciliatory and I wrote in a similar tone. Still waiting to hear from him but I'm not particularly comfortable with him.

I think I'm getting the hang of this now.

Then came along a very nice fellow who is actually going out with someone but wanted to write anyway. We've been exchanging longer and longer emails and it's so easy to write to him as if we speak the same language. So no pressure either way. What's nice about this guy is I'm not feeling amorous about someone I've never met. That must be a healthy sign. Perhaps I'm starting to focus on the person instead of my own needs for a physical relationship.

Then on Tuesday F. sent me a text to say his network had broken down which is why he couldn't email me. But why didn't he text me earlier? That was confusing. We've arranged to meet up again tomorrow. I wonder how it'll be. He seems keen enough again. Will I still be keen though?

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Still not dressed

Sat, 14 Oct 2006 14:54:38 +0200

Yes, it's over

It worked out OK in the end. J said he'd still like to see me and I him, but not with a long term relationship in mind. He said he'd call on Saturday and didn't. So that was it as far as I was concerned. He called on Sunday and apologised for not calling Saturday and I just said I didn't think it would work but it would be nice to keep in touch and see how we were getting on with life. Haven't heard from him since and don't expect to either. A little sad, I suppose, but not much. Just thought of him once on the bus into work.

F. my Persian date

These half hour bus journeys are dreadful on the imagination. I take a book to read but wander off all the time. Keep thinking about my new guy F. We will be meeting on a proper date tomorrow. Cos I hadn't seen J. for such a long time it's been 2 months since being out with a man. I wish the reality would be as good as my imagination!

We are going to a local Persian restaurant he thinks is really good. This still hasn't stopped me from looking at the dating web sites again. So many men and not enough time!!! but anyway, we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Job going well but may end

They throw all kinds of research and taks at me, stuff nobody else can concentrate on or has time to do. That's what I love. But the person I'm replacing is expected back from maternity leave in 3 weeks and that's all I have left to work. They didn't like the person I replaced and as she hasn't made contact with them for over a year they think she may not be coming back. But I'll have to 'sign off' contract on the day she's due back and see what happens. I hope they'll keep me on.

I love the mornings going to work. Walking down my road into the sunrise every day. It's been so calm and beautiful. Slightly chilly. Still very tired but getting much better. Although it's nearly 3pm now and I still haven't got dressed. Nice to have a lazy day. Bu&&er - I have to go into town and buy something nice for tomorrow!!! EEEEEEK!!!

Nice to have some money in the bank account again. Even if it's only for a few weeks.

I'm curious to find out how the creative side of me disappears when things are going well. I can't imagine who I was a year ago. Why can't I be creative when I'm happy?

Better get dressed and go out. Planning on a nice relaxing day with a lovely bath and essential oils before I meet F tomorrow evening. Can't do it without something decent to wear.

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Dumping virgin

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 21:34:49 +0200

Third week and getting stronger!!!

Three weeks of work and I'm still here and smiling. What a change, didn't imagine this. Anyway.... here's the news.

Job
I'm using all my different skills, all the things I never thought I'd need to do again - web design, copy editing, formatting spreadsheets, saving onto floppies, taking minutes, filing (yes, what a pile!), the list is endless.

It's sort of almost perfect for what I need at the moment. The only glitch in the process is my pay. I have a contract for my hourly wage from an employment bureau, but the company said they were prepared to pay the bureau £4 an hour less!!!! They are still paying me the original but I don't know where this will lead or whether the bureau will absorb the difference. No idea what the company are actually paying. It's a contract job so they could change the terms if they wanted, I guess. Not happy to take a £4 an hour drop in wages though! Will wait and see what happens. If it works well there's a possibility of long term employment. Fingers crossed.

Pottery
Started that on Wednesday. I had 4 pots ready for glazing from last year thinking that would be a gentle route back into classes. But that didn't take long and I ended up throwing 2 more little pots. One of them was OK so I'm getting back into it quicker than I imagined. It's very complicated juggling dinner, washing and ironing, sandwiches for the next day, looking after the cats and getting sleep. Let alone going out one evening a week. This week though I went to the Barbican to see a full screening of Metropolis with a live film orchestra. Absolutely amazing!

What was funnier was getting ready to go out to the film from work. They didn't recognise me with my hair down!

A New Man
Now there's a thing. Getting more and more fed up with the idea of J. And he can't stop bitching about his ex and how he's not going to see his children any more because of the way she's treating him. I don't know, there isn't anything I can say any more. His life is just overwhelmingly complicated.

So I thought I'd write back to another man I'd met on the dating site at the same time I'd met J. We'd corresponded on and off and he was quite interesting. I logged into my hotmail account just to see if he'd written again and he'd sent me a very erotic poem he wrote a few days earlier. He'd only sent it because he'd given up on me responding. We wrote a bit and he sent me an offer I couldn't refuse....

Meet up at the Rodin exhibition at the Royal Academy last Saturday!

How could I resist? J. was seeing his children and I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks anyway. It wouldn't harm, it wasn't as if I was actually being unfaithful in the biblical sense.

Met up on Saturday, instant chemistry, the only thing was he is just a couple of inches taller than me and I'm so used to tall men. My first husband was smaller than me and I swore I'd never go out with a smaller man again. I just don't stand up tall. That goes for psychologically as well as physically.

We had a lovely day. The exhibition was nice and I could see his eyes pop out at some of the drawings. I'm very used to frank poses drawn by famous artists. Odd names like 'woman with her clothes awry' when she's so obviously posing as masturbating! He thought the pictures would go well in the Kama Sutra. That name comes up again. Lots of close up chats about the exhibits (from an artistic point of view only). Then after he bought me lunch in the restaurant there.

We got to chat about his background more. I'm curious because he's from Iran and politically exiled. More romantic to call it Persia, that's how he sees his old country. We seemed to have quite a lot in common. After lunch he took my hands in his and looked at my life lines and gave me a little spiel about what he saw. It was cute, he was trying to impress. All I could think about was his hands and his fingers all georgous and hairy. I love hairy men!

It was getting hot in the restaurant (I was getting hot in the restaurant) so we went down to the Embankment for a walk. We held hands, kissed a bit, watched the water. Something about the way he said 'give me your tongue' when we kissed that sealed it for me.

Well, the day ended with him asking if I would be his girlfriend and I said I wanted a little bit more time. Obviously very attracted to him. But something holding me back. Was it because I was still going out with J? Not really, something else, I needed to work it out.

I worked it out after a few days. All along I was thinking of relationships as being long term. I knew J. wasn't long term any more and thought it might be fun to just go out with him for a while longer. But my new man. He's probably not long term. I'm not wildly in love. How could I be after one meeting? So why should I think in terms of long term? I don't need to take him to meet my parents or children. I can just enjoy being with him for him for the time that feels right. Yessssss!!!! It's called 'dating'. How on earth can I know whether somebody will be a long term partner??????

Yes, well, the penny dropped and I feel a lot more like going out with him now. And so this weekend I will end it with J.

Ending it with J.
Here's how it stands now. On the phone with J yesterday I told him (as we'd already talked about it) that I was still feeling a bit distant from him with all the time we were apart. Then I reminded him that when we first started going out he said how important it was for him that he was looking for a long term partner and wasn't interested in just casual relationships. And I said that I didn't think we would have a long term future, I couldn't see myself moving in with him, depending on him, and earning part time for pin money. It's just not me any more. Very tired with work and can't see me having the energy to come down to Dorset on the train for the weekend.

My idea was to plant the seed in his mind and he would end it with me. Time for it to sink in. He was going to call today and let me know if and when he was coming to see me.

Called earlier this evening saying he felt a bit flat, wasn't sure about coming up this evening. We talked a bit about our feelings for eachother. I have to be honest, I still enjoy his company for short periods, and the bedroom department is good when we first get together. He still likes the idea of coming up to London, some culture, or cinema, home comforts and the sex. He decided to call tomorrow to tell me whether he can come up to see me.

The reasoning behind this, instead of just saying I don't want to go out with you any more, is because all his previous relationships have ended up sour and he just walked out never to speak again. As I'm the first person he said he's ever REALLY talked to, I thought it would be better for his ego if it would be him doing the dumping and we should part in a good mood.

I'm a dumping virgin really. Or a coward. I haven't dumped anyone since my teens. Just protracted heartache with two difficult marriages.

More blog after the weekend.

Comments

First week of new life

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 12:34:29 +0200

The Job

First week over. It wasn't too bad after all.

I'm sooooo tired!!!!!!!

Feet still ache!!!!!!!! And it's Sunday.

Although yesterday I made myself drive all the way over to the blues club despite being late and going a different route. Didn't know a soul when I got there. Sat on my own. Then joined somebody for a better view of the group. They were OK, but they had a guest guitarist who was really good. Left with only a fiver in my purse and they wouldn't take a cheque. So I had to drink lemonades. Next week I'll be paid - yipeee!!!

The Boyfriend

J. called and is missing me. He didn't come this weekend cos he had more stuff to move down to Dorset. He said he'd lost his dog yesterday and with a long drawn out story with his mouth full of crips (I complained cos I couldn't understand a word he was talking about) the dog was delivered to the local vet. Why he didn't say he was OK to start with I don't know.

Yes, the more I talk to him, the more I know he's not a long term relationship. But I do like the idea of an occasional comfortable weekend with him. Not next weekend as his children are visiting. I need to sit through the 'bitch' stories for a while when he complains about his ex. But being tired, I won't have the patience for much - ha ha!

Other men, shopping, pottery classes

It's funny, but I've started thinking more about my ex again. I got sad driving back from the blues club, I know he would have enjoyed it. He hasn't written for a week which means he's on a writing jag again and probably won't emerge for weeks.

I also got sad when I went to Sainsburys. I put nicer things in my basket for the first time since February. Fine beans. Spinach. Nectarines. Pate. Olive oil. Nice shampoo. I've been surviving on such basic stuff for so long they seem like nectar. Is this nightmare really going to come to an end????? I can hardly believe it.

Next week pottery starts. I'll have to try and move my class to an evening class. Not sure whether I'll have enough energy to go after work, but it's worth it to see. The plan is it'll energise me.

Today, some mending. The hem came down on my cheap polyester trousers. It rained too much last night to be able to cut the grass. Maybe it'll be OK to stay long this winter.

One more video to watch and send back the Blockbuster subscription. Then I just have the Screen Select one to run. I have a nice sexy one to watch and if J. doesn't come over he'll miss it too!!! Hard luck.

R.'s health is steadily getting worse. He was given another whole body scan yesterday, still isn't able to keep his food down, but seems to be on top of things mentally. He doesn't feel like talking much on the phone but mostly calls every evening. I don't cheer him up as much as I used to do. It used to be easy to get him talking about spending 6p on a bar or chocolate and now he wouldn't dream of spending £1-10/- He's said a bit about it being more serious this time. At least he'll know where he stands after the results of his scan yesterday.

He gave me a really good verbal personal reference for my job. He's such a great person.

Health

I've stopped bleeding! What a relief. Still on the progesterone tablets, but maybe that means the hyperplasia is under control. Haven't had an appointment through for my checkup yet so I won't know for a while.

And to move on...

Now, let's see who I am now. Slighly lonely woman in her 50's with greying hair who doesn't want to cut it short. Go to work with it tied up and let it down at the end of the day.

I can do lots more than they thought I could - help out with presentations using software I hadn't used before, setting out the posh tea and biscuits and brochures for board meetings. I fluff answering the phone a bit and forget the name of the company. Must be my age. Forget people's names (always been like that). I concentrate, multi-task and put a little extra into the jobs I do. They say that although the job is meant to be until mid November, it'll probably last until the new year. Depending on whether the original post holder comes back or not (she's just had twins) it could go on indefinitely and the job will expand. Sounds perfect for me. As long as I don't get too exhausted.

The bus journey to work is slow and painful. Takes 45 mins to get there and an hour to get back. I think I'll take the car when the winter comes. Maybe I'll get less tired.

The pay is reasonable. The people are nice. There's a great anti-bullying attitude and they don't talk behind people's backs. All is looking hopeful so far.

The odd evening out will mean I have to leave from work and take a change of clothes on the bus and my dinner as well as lunch. Off to see the film Metropolis at the Barbican next Monday. I wonder how much I should tell them about myself. Will they accept my wierdness? The only time I've ever been really accepted was at art school.

Comments

Somebody or something must have listened.

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 21:02:43 +0200

Can't believe that getting into a strop changes circumstances, but it did!

On Friday my sweet little pussy cat walked back into my neighbour's house, none the worse for wear, but looking very thin. I was away in Dorset by then and they texted me to tell me everything was alright!!!!

Earlier that day - guess what, I was offered the job!!! I started today (Tuesday) and I'm exhausted. The bus takes an age to get there and even longer to get back. But at least it's just one bus. I got a suit and a couple of blouses from the Job Centre yesterday and they paid my first month's season ticket.

Today I got home at 7. Ate a meal I made yesterday. Showered and washed my hair. Bed at 10 and up at 6.30. No time to talk on the phone with J. Don't know how I'll have time to keep up any friends, so maybe they'll just have to wait for the weekend.

I have a pile of videos to watch. No chance of that any more, will have to cancel my subscription. I guess this is called having a life!

Comments

I know life isn't fair but.... does it have to be so bad ???

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 22:07:42 +0200

I know life isn't fair but.... does it have to be so bad ???

Now, listen here, fate, god, humanity or whatever it is that dishes out the sh*t to some people and not others.

Listen to me you ba**a*d !!!!!!! Just leave me alone and let me get on with my life. Don't you know I'm trying harder than I should be ???? I'm supposed to take time to take things slowly and build up my strength. But I can't can I !!!

NO !! No way. I have to FIND A JOB!! I have no money and no life. But I'm OVER QUALIFIED. I'll be happy to make the tea for somebody. I've trained and worked as a Radiographer and there aren't enough around. But nobody wants to take me on for re-training.

I'm a wonderful person. Great with people. Great with detail. Team player. I just want to GET ON WITH A JOB for f**c's sake!!!

OK. Deal with it.

But you know what???

Last Friday my beautiful cat Jill went missing. She hardly ever leaves my side and when she does it's to sleep in my garden or next door's garden. But on Friday (8th October) my other next door neighbour put up fences and I don't think she could get back into my garden. She doesn't jump very well. I've been calling her and looking every day. I dream I find her and wake up happy and realise it was just a dream.

I swear I won't get upset like I did 4 years ago when we lost our Burmilla. But I bl**dy am!

A lovely old lady (who stinks to high heaven, bless her) came round this evening and said she thought she spotted Jill yesterday. She came knocking yesterday but I was out (trying to give my mind a break from worrying - Modigliani exhibition at the Royal Academy). The description sounded right. We went over and called for her. Maybe she would still be there.

There was a bit of hope too. Just think, maybe she will come back...

I ended up going around all the streets calling.

Like last time.
It felt like yesterday.

Nearly got home and I heard a meow I recognised. Heart raced. Could it really be her? For once my luck was changing? It was possible...

Well, it wasn't Jill, it was her brother standing on the corner of my road calling me (or her).

Ran home and cried for the first time.

The photo is Jill's brother giving her a wash.

___________________________________________________________

I have an interview tomorrow. It's an admin officer in an IT company. Sounds OK for me, just about get by on the wages. Only until the end of November though. At least it's something.

I went over there by car today to see if it was possible to drive without getting lost. I ALWAYS get lost. I concentrated really hard and only got lost at the end. It was really complicated and I was very pleased with myself. I think I'll be able to manage to get there tomorrow in one piece.

My only white blouse has a tiny tea stain on the front. I hope they don't notice. I'm wearing a trouser suit and will put my hair up in a clip at the back. It's quite wild hair and I'll have to gel it down at the back as it's all fuzzy. A customer facing job so I have to be smart.

Never thought I'd end up with one wearable (just) white blouse and a polyester trouser suit. That's all the job centre grant would run to.

I will sweat like mad.
I will try to remain relaxed and not nervous.
The muggy weather is NOT what I need !!!

Mind you, driving there is pretty nerve wracking. If I go on a bus I'll have a 20 minute walk at the other end through an industrial estate. With all my glad rags and makeup I don't think I could stomach that.

And then in the evening I travel down to Dorset to spend the weekend with J.

He's got issues with his ex wife who is with-holding contact with his children. He's going back to court for residency now. Sigh.

Issues with his mother who interferes whenever she can (even though she lives over 100 miles away but this time he brought her over to his new place just to show her).

Issues with the people who he bought his house from. And they left him their 2 cats even though he said he didn't want them.

Issues, smissues. Oy!!!! I just need a bit of quiet. I know I have to end it with J. But what a time to end it. Bad for me as well as him.

This time we have running water, a bathroom and a cooker that hopefully works. No bed yet (I'm NOT sleeping on the floor). No food in. And I'm NOT going to clean up his house for him.

Enough already!!!!

Wish me luck for the interview tomorrow. That might swing the balance the other way totally.

Comments

Downgrade Relationship to Short-Term

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 13:08:43 +0200

Downgrade relationship to Short-Term

I got really upset about the way J was treating me a couple of weeks ago and went into an 'I hate me' phase as a consequence. I'm out the other side now.

So I decided J was NOT going to be a long term relationship (I'm not going to spend my life clearing up after him if he doesn't give me something back in return, like security). I changed gears and thought about it in terms of 'let's see if we can just have fun for the moment'.

He came to visit last weekend and wanted to bring me a cheap piano. But he didn't want to feel I was taking advantage of him. He wanted to think I would try to contribute to it's tuning whenever I felt able.

I told him 'I only have enough money to eat, how can I possibly think about paying for a piano tuner!!!???' He asked, no, he SAID, my son would surely be able to contribute. His father has plenty of money and spends enough. I said it was none of my business how much money his father had and I wouldn't presume to commit any of my son's pocket money without asking him first. I was REALLY uncomfortable with the whole thing. I said 'either you pay for the tuning yourself and I'll babysit the piano for you or you give it to me as a present and if you want to give me the tuning as a present that would be nice.'

I didn't want to involve myself in some kind of 'I'll pay you back in the future when I have the money' arrangement just to satisfy him that I wasn't taking advantage of him. Why can't he just give me the damn thing and pay for the tuning himself??!! I'm not the one who plays piano, he's the one who'll use it, and my children when they visit me.

In the end I found a piano locally for free and he collected it for me. Took a bit of hard work getting it into the house though. LOL!

The piano tuner said it would cost £200 to get it repaired and tuned properly which is worth it as the piano would probably sell for £350. Definitely worth it. Yes, it's worth it said J. But when I asked if he wants to go ahead and get it tuned, he said 'we'll see'. So it's sitting in my house now and a nice seat for the cats.

If it's still there in another month I'm getting rid of it.

So I reckon I stood up for myself although it's stale mate as he doesn't have me under control and I have a useless piano that I can't move on my own.

Games, that's all it is. Not a basis for a good relationship.

Anyway, the sex was quite good. Though he is still having trouble with 'standing up for himself' so to speak. It's to do with the wrong blood pressure drugs he's taking, though he won't see the doctor about it.

He's had a very high blood pressure time recently with problems with one of his friends taking advantage of him. It's like his whole life is centred around people taking advantage of eachother. He found it totally alien that I would do something just for him and nothing in it for me than to see him happy.

Health Problems

Bad news health wise for me. I have fast growing cells in the uterus and I've been put on some high dose progesterone to see if that clears it. The progesterone coil wouldn't fit.

It means I'm shedding all the time. Pretty miserable. I go back in 2 months for another check up. J wasn't all that sympathetic apart from that I might not enjoy the bed department so much.

Funnily enough, I got out of my miserable fug in the most unexpected way. My ex husband called for a chat. It was so nice to talk to somebody who knew me well. And we do still have a lot of connections. He perked me up and I'm much more positive about my health now.

Funny to realise I'm still in love with him although there is no way I would be back with him again. He leaves me with a feeling that he's like quick sand, nothing to hold on to and easy to slip away.

Whereas J is like a clump of clay. No wonder he's a farmer.

Conclusion to all this...

Start enjoying our relationship for what it is and stop thinking of it as something long term. What will be will be. In the mean time he'll have to stop thinking of me moving into his new house with him so I can look after him and clean and organise and help him run his business. He'll have to get in a 'lady that does' until such time as I feel he has my interests more at heart than my body.

Job Hunting

Job hunting is hopeless still. There's a possibility of a radiography mentorship from a Kent school but the local hospital STILL haven't got back to me about starting there, either paid or voluntary.

I've applied for more office jobs too and changed the way I apply. Apparently you have to answer every point in the job description and say why you can do it. Then the HR people go through a check list for interview. I applied for a job like that locally for a Health Trust and we'll see if that gets me through to interview. Renewed my New Deal card which gets me cheaper transport. Yay!!!

Comments

Toilets and Urinals

Sat, 26 Aug 2006 23:31:16 +0200

Toilets and Urinals

I've managed to upload some very sensual toilets and urinals into my media folder, take a look if you dare! Most of them are for my friends but some for public view.

Enjoy...!!!

Comments

Leading to decisions

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 18:19:54 +0200

After all the comments (thank you thank you thank you) and lots of thinking, I had a long chat with R about what to do. He said I should give J a chance to get his act together, find somewhere decent to live, stop treating me like a London tourist meeting house.

I told J I was sorry but I needed some space to myself. He knew right at the start that I was the sort of person that needed my space. I said I didn't want him to bring the children up this weekend. We should find some good quality time later and see if we can get back the feelings we had when we first met. He was very put out that I re-arranged his weekend as he was looking forward to showing the children more of London and being together as a family.

That sort of sealed it for me. He ranted and raved about how his stupid ex was manipulating him and changing the pick-up times for the girls when I said he should go along with it because he knew when she dropped them off she'd mixed up the days, whatever the reason. But no, he stuck to his guns and said he'll let her have them back at his convenience.

But then 'his convenience' changed once I said I wanted the weekend to myself. They are going back today as per her text message to him.

Last night we sort of made it up and he understood that I wasn't happy about seeing him while he was under so much stress with the children around. Then he spent another hour until well past midnight complaining with much venom about his ex. He agreed he should move on but doesn't know how. Rants more. I end up feeling stressed. So to end the conversation I have to look at more pianos he's looking at on eBay.

Enough already!

I still miss him and would like to be with him. Now I need to see if I can get some more of 'me' into the relationship. R's point at keeping with J for the moment is I was so happy when I met him, it's not going to do me much good to break off with him like that.

Got a couple of videos out which were interesting. 9 1/2 weeks. Always wanted to see that. Great film, sad ending. Also one of the modern Kama Sutra videos. That made me think too. Would J ever be in that position where he would 'honour my body' rather than going for the kill straight off each time? Looking forward to the others of the series. Wondered about watching them with J but I think he prefers the idiot films with stupid story lines and big boobies.

In the mean time, two more things to consider. I've made contact with Farzad again and he's so sweet and would still like to see me. That makes me feel more confident. I'm still curious about him. And I'd love a bit of time with somebody with more similar interests to mine.

Also my ex - S - rang up yesterday after 5 months of nothing. It was actually nice to talk to him and reminded me of why we were attracted to eachother in the first place. Very sad too. He wanted to come back to the UK for a while but I said no. He's lovely and charming and easy to talk to but I can't take him back. That would be fatal. I signed the initial divorce papers today and sent them back.

Getting back into Radiography is going to be more difficult than I imagined. There are so many hoops of fire to get through. Will I get there, I wonder? Pondering about doing a counselling course or colour therapy or thinking about yet another career. Concentrate Woman!!!!!

Yes, I must concentrate, not let the stress get to me, regularise my days again and eat more thoughtfully. God, I hate it the way things can un-balance me so easily.

Comments

Am I being used?

Sat, 19 Aug 2006 16:46:58 +0200

Feminism

Let's put it another way. I end up with unavailable men. I stick with them and to survive I get on and do my own thing. So it's a reaction to the men I choose? Well, not really.

Take this time. J wants to be with me. We are both attacted to eachother. But I feel like he's using me.

He likes to be in London.
He likes my clean house.
He likes my mind and my interests.
He likes our physical relationship.
He likes that I'm patient with his children and that I was happy to take them in for a few days while he sorted out the yard. They certainly liked it with me too.

So I'm a lovely person. I'm accommodating. I think of others. I'm helpful.

Then I think, I must try and make some space in this for myself. I am allowed demands, aren't I?

So I said jokingly on the phone, I hope I get a nice meal out of this for looking after your girls.

He said he'd already bought me a nice meal (yeah, the one in the pub when we argued, and it was a dried out chicken I couldn't eat). Jokingly, of course. Everything is a joke.

So I tried to say I get confused when everything is a joke. I don't know when he's being serious.

He doesn't understand this and changes the subject.

Today, he's stressed out in the yard, the girls are giving him grief, he's complaining about all the people he knows taking advantage of him, I talk a bit about co-dependency. He talks, he talks, complains, talks. After a while I say I have to hang up because my free hour will be up and I have to call back. He won't go for ages.

He rings me back later, we talk (he talks) and we talk about how much we appreciate eachother and I mentioned it would be nice to have a bit of time to talk about things that are on my mind.

He said that's OK, he's not offended by me saying that.

Who'se talking about being offended? Did I offend him? No, I can't be doing with mind games. We agree to talk some more later.

This started off with feminism. That dirty word. What does it mean to me? Do I go off and do my own thing? Already in this relationship we're drifting apart.

I tried to show my vulnerable side a few days ago. Isn't that what men like? I hate doing it because I've been hurt in the past. Though early on in a relationship men have been very attracted to the vulnerable inside. But I thought I have to let down the barriers, even if I do get hurt. I have to see.

It was pillow talk. I told him I was feeling like I was letting down my barriers and it was scary. I said I suppose I was feeling a bit vulnerable right now.

And this man, who 'rescues' people left right and centre ignored me.

He married his first wife because she and her children were in a shelter. He befriended an alcoholic and gave him a home and support before he died. One best friend has cerebral palsy. He has given a group of homeless lads caravans to stay on in his yard, though he does get paid as they are working. His mother was (and still is) manipulative and abusive. Though now at last she's not living with him but is in a home.

He was extremely generous to people in the past. He's given me the odd few pounds for food towards me caring for his children but can't seem to factor in to this things like electricity and soap and all the other things I didn't buy there and then. He's buying a £600,000 house in Dorset shortly and I'm on income support for heavens sake! And he still has the yard!!!!!

I don't know if I can heal up all the ills that have been done against him. I really do need something or somebody for myself. Or at least stop giving myself away so much.

I got really depressed this week. Thought I was over that too. Oh dear.

Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship yet.

I sent a quick email to FZ after listening to an interview with an Iranian comedienne on Radio 4 this morning. He won't reply after the way I stopped writing to him, but it does show me that my mind isn't 100% on my relationship with J.

What do I get from the relationship? It was supposed to be me playing a more traditional role of being protected and less dominant. But it seems to be, for the moment at least, that I'm feeling rather used.

Comments

Plonk! Into reality

Tue, 08 Aug 2006 14:57:39 +0200

Yes, reality at last.

Here's where I am.

Spent loads of time with J. 2 weeks with his 2 girls too (lovely kids but full of verrucas!). I got really upset with the way he rants on about his divorce and the way she treated him. Says he's over it but there's something he's not over, that's for sure. But he rants on about all sorts of problems he has around his yard and farm. Territorial problems so much worse than anything I've ever heard of in the town or suburbia. What a lot to learn about!

So it was getting me down, along with the sub human conditions he was living in. OK to think of camping for a few days, but I'm getting too old for this kind of thing. Filthy hut. Old 2 burner stove. No running water (tap outside), boil up water for washing up and washing. Filthy yard toilet. He's doing up the mobile home now and we've designed and chosen the kitchen and bathroom. Even though we found a bed from the tip and could sleep in relative comfort in the old sitting room, washing was still a problem and making me sore. Not feeling clean and having sex twice a day isn't something I want to do for more than a day or so.

So I said I couldn't come down any more until the mobile home was habitable. I can't be around to look after his girls when they come next week. They'll have to look after themselves while he works on the renovations. But they can all come up to London whenever they like of course.

It all came to a head when after a long day I couldn't face cooking and he was trimming fences hoping for a nice meal to come home to. I just couldn't do it. He understood, I suppose. It carried on to the next day and I took umbridge that he wanted a couple of beers at lunch time and thought I'd drive. Not that heavy old ex Forestry Commission 4x4! So he'd drive on 2 pints. Very uncomfortable with that and told him he wasn't as considerate as he claimed to be. Didn't go down well, although he stuck to one pint in the end.

On the way home, after looking at his Dorset house again (not exchanged contracts just yet) he went silent. Back at the yard we argued and I told him he should just take me to the station, I'd go home whatever the time. We sort of got through that but we agreed we need to give eachother more leeway, it's expecting a lot after just 2 months knowing eachother. But I'm not coming down again until the place is more habitable. Maybe he'll come up and see me in London. He was much more relaxed here.

So I guess we've got through our first difficult patch. It gets harder the older I am. Too tired to be dealing with this in my 50's. Oh, well.

Back home and sorting my life out again. Found another contact for re-training as a Radiographer. The local return to work co-ordinator. Will they ring me back?

Cooler today at last and I can sit in the garden with no music from the neighbour and a bit of time to think.

Comments

Feminism. The beginning of the end?

Sun, 16 Jul 2006 11:35:26 +0200

Feminism

Now there's a word that's been central to me for the last 30 years. With a new lease of life once I started my art degree.

And J challenges it. What to do?

Read back through my art school diary and could see where it was coming from. Reacting to the awful men I have had been with. Not a chance for a respectful relationship. I was always falling in love with men who were 'unobtainable' and not there for me. No wonder they took advantage of me. The harder I tried the more they rubbished me.

No wonder I wanted to think for myself and move my life away from them. So J says that's my reason for feminism. With a good relationship I'd have no need to assert equality in all areas. We will have overall equality, each with our roles.

Well, I will have an open mind. I don't know how comfortable I'll feel with that. Maybe it'll take a while.

Comments

Real Life Issues

Fri, 14 Jul 2006 13:07:14 +0200

Life in the real world continues....

Getting on really well with J. We talk for hours every night on the phone. Even when I upset him with touchy-feeley stuff he's fine afterwards. We want to be together all the time, then after a long weekend (every weekend) and he goes, I can enjoy my space. Next day I want him back!!!

He called me from his tractor this morning, turning the grass already. Sounds like he has picked the right week to do it. A very happy buddy there! Next week his children are coming down. I'm still nervous about looking after them even though I've done it all before. I guess it's not so much them, but more the living conditions he's in at the moment. Absolutely dreadful. I have to pretend I'm on a camping site.

Interview yesterday. Felt like I was being interviewed by Alan Sugar. Never had a hard interview like that before, though I guess it's standard these days. Feel really flat and in mid air. No idea how it went. She kept going back to why wasn't I going back to radiography.

COS THERE'S NO MONEY LEFT IN THE NHS!!!
DOESN'T SHE READ THE NEWSPAPERS!!!

If they want me for a third interview they'll let me know.

I am so up in the air about jobs. Do I carry on my search in London? Do I widen my search to the area that J will be moving to in the autumn? We are planning on being together but it's scary to be making those decisions now. We've known eachother just over a month but it seems like a year.

Hey! Look! Real life problems! Wow!!!!

Got my appointment set up for fitting the coil the week after next. Busy week. I'll be going to a pottery course at the City Lit every day. Son and friend will be staying the week as they have a jazz course at Guildhall. J and girls will be staying first part of week too. 4 adults and 2 children in a 3 bedroom house. Interesting. Hope they don't want me to cook. Tuesday I'm supposed to be seeing mum and dad for mum's birthday. She hasn't asked to see J. yet. Softly, softly.

R. has also been pressuring me about going to Australia with the club. I told him I can't afford it, even if somebody puts me up over there. Maybe they can slip me in for a free flight if they get enough people. It might be possible if I save up. Or I get a job. He thinks J. might pay for it. No way has he got that kind of money. Well off people live such a different life style. They have no idea. So in the end I just said "We'll see".

Now I must get down to starting off the divorce proceedings. I've contacted two on-line divorce companies and decided I will go for one that uses solicitors and the financial clean break. S has a right to part of my house even though he did virtually nothing for the past 8 years and cleaned me out of my savings. But maybe he won't realise that and not claim. He still doesn't have a permanent address in the US although his email is from a company name. I thought I was covered from all his defaulted debts and not having his name on my mortgage or property deeds. Now I find out if he's just as nasty as my first husband.

Think positive. And get on with it.

Comments

What is this shutter? And a question for Lazybugg

Tue, 04 Jul 2006 18:56:15 +0200

What is this shutter??????

The feeling in my head that the shutter has come down. Something physical. Can't relax. Can't smile. Can't be nice. Want to be on my own.

Yes, I remember, that was how I let myself feel years ago before having children. If I felt like being alone I just admitted it. Now I try to ignore it for the sake of the children. Very hard to get out of it now.

Everybody wants me to be happy all the time. What a load of bolloks! Who else is happy all the time? Rhetorical question.

So what to do with the feeling. I have to share it with J. He needs to know I'm not the perfect wonderful happy go lucky woman he is falling in love with. I'm just not that perfect. Nor is he.

The weather doesn't help. Just admit it. I don't do this hot weather. Slept a bit. During the thunderstorm some energy came back and I did a bit of housework. Now it's steaming everywhere. I hate London. Noise in the garden. Next door screaming abuse at eachother. Music all day so loud I can hardly think. Front door open to get a bit of air through the house so I can't sit in the garden incase somebody walks in. Flies everywhere. Stomach enormous, suddenly put on weight going on the pill.

How will I ever manage to look after his children for a few days if the weather is like this? If it's cooler there will be so much to do in London, they'll love it. But not like this. The thought of going into town will be awful. The tube. ugh! Must talk this over sensibly. I thought with a better home situation I would be able to tolerate the heat better.

So. The Shutter. Will talk about it tonight.

Here's a question for my friend Lazybugg if you are reading. Are you a farmer? I'm a townie dating a farmer.

Here's my question. He has to cut the grass next settled spell which will be last 2 weeks of July. That's when his children are coming. He's expecting me to look after his children if necessary, probably for the 2 to 3 days it takes to get it bagged.

I can't really say no, can I? Even though it might be hot like this and I can barely cope with myself? He has nobody else to look after them.

Comments

The Doubts - HELP!!!!

Thu, 29 Jun 2006 09:18:16 +0200

Flippin' heck! I'm asking my 19 year old daughter for advice and she's right of course. She had a great mother to get her through her boyfriend hiccups and she's churning out the same stuff back to me!

Was I right, or was I right?

Take it slow. If you have doubts don't worry, it's natural. Don't tell him about your doubts or you'll put him off.

Well, they weren't doubts, really, not that I'd identified them as such. All of a sudden (I remember that's the way it goes) the gooey in love feeling stops and I'm left with a 'Do I Really Want To Spend The Rest Of My Life With This Man' feeling. Reasonable, isn't that the way that relationships go? I have forgotten so much it's like this is the first time again. I don't remember going through this with S. We were 'In Love' and we just got on with it. Big mistake.

They aren't doubts about the speed of the relationship, it must happen to people from time to time, doesn't it????? They are just the normal doubts when you are left with the person in the cold light of day. Will I really be able to get on with him till we are too old to breathe? Yes, I think we will.

Here are The Doubts.

This feeling in my head like a shutter has come down. All the time. Takes tremendous effort to relax. Like Tuesday when I saw Don Giovanni at The Barbican. Favourite opera. Couldn't relax until the second half. Why was that? So tense.

He still seems to have big issues about his ex wife. All the contact problems about his children and her preventing him from seeing them. We are working it out and he's sent her a letter for the first time that I helped him write. Stick to the point. No discussion or finger pointing. He is as much in the wrong about certain things as she is. But he doesn't see it. And I'm not going to argue about it. He gets into a rant. I hate those rants where I can't join in. Just space out and listen to them. Like S and his 'expert mode'. Sounding off. I could be anybody.

Why do men do that? Do they all do that? Or am I just attracted to men that rant?

Would appreciate input on that one.

Other doubts. We are both, without any effort, allowing the relationship to move on at the speed of light. It doesn't feel right to hold back. Or is that me trying to please? I so much want to be with him. I wish he wasn't moving so far away in September. He didn't want to carry on a relationship from such a distance and I understand that.

So if I tell him about my doubts, he'll get jittery and I'll hurt him. That has to be the way, though, doesn't it? If we can't talk about things like that, either we aren't ready yet for the 'next stage' or he's the wrong man for me.

What Drives Me On

Very sexy. Very compatible. Much more to come in that department. Yay!!!

I've usually gone for weaker men so I can do my Womens' Lib bit. That that didn't work at all. I wanted a stronger man. And I have one. Pretty scary, really. I think I can keep my head up in the to and fro and maintain my own space.

He is respectful, thoughtful, challenging, funny, loyal, solvent (more than can be said for previous relationships), ambitious to make it right this time. Loves me to bits.

His children are georgous, girls 6 and 9. They love their daddy. They have taken to me too. It's so nice to have a proper 'family' time. Even better to have somebody else's children and hand them back when I get tired. Even better than the thought of being a grandmother as they aren't mine at all. And only alternate weekends. Lovely.

Pondering now....

OK, a thought popped into my head. I really need somebody I can challenge in some way. Not hold back. Push the boundaries. That sounds a bit juvenile. I wonder. Whenever I've pushed the boundaries they have crumbled into nothing and the relationship died. Including with my parents.

Here's the way it seems to go. Find a relationship. Get involved with their life, learn about them, push their boundaries. Man can't take it. Man withdraws. Find something outside the relationship to push on boundaries. Art degree was perfect. Man still couldn't take it. Man withdraws.

Why do I do that? I'm ALWAYS ALWAYS ALWAYS pushing on boundaries, looking at the edge. I think that's just me. Nothing juvenile about that at all. Not everybody is a stay at home buddy. So my basic premise was right. I need somebody who is strong enough I can push against.

Time to digest.

Comments

Divorce begins

Thu, 22 Jun 2006 10:45:41 +0200

Quite extraordinary.

Reading back it really looks like there were two sides of me melding into one. Is that disassociation?

Whatever.

Yesterday I emailed S and said we need to sort out things permanently and he said mail him the papers and he'd sign them. He even mentioned the word divorce. I do feel sad in a way. What was it that attracted me to him? Was he going to 'save' me. I remember feeling a bit like that and didn't want him to and said so. Yet I let him a bit. In the end it was me trying to save him.

I loved him because he seemed more intelligent than me and could challenge me intellectually. In the end I was the one that found his thought processes intensely irritating, prejudiced, far too focussed and demeaning of mine. He said he was the only one that understood me. Well, it seemed true at the time. But he wasn't strong enough - he may have understood me but was defensive and in the end dismissive.

I loved him because he was sexy and good in bed. But he soon withdrew that from me. I wanted him far more than he wanted me. It turned when I specially dressed up for him and he turned around and said he had work to do on the computer and left me feeling rediculous. I never dressed up after that. Now I know his passion for me was short lived. Now I know that he wasn't that good in bed either! What an eye opener!!!!

I loved him because he gave up everything to be with me. But really he wasn't giving up a thing. He was bankrupt in the States, left unpaid taxes, came and lived with me in my own house. We worked together for a while. Then he on his own. He can't hold down a job. Ideas of making millions while making less than £10,000 a year. Very intelligent man, but doesn't know how to go about life. Didn't get involved with our finances, didn't register with a doctor, didn't see a dentist, did very little, really, except sit on the computer.

I loved his 'little boy lost' look. That was stupid. Not something to get married over.

I loved that he challenged me. Of course, that didn't last for long.

I loved that somebody could love me.

Not a lot for the basis of a marriage. My heart definitely ruled my head. Those chemicals, roaring chemicals, even at 40 they tricked me.

It's been a year since I told S we have to seperate. What a year. Time to move on.

Comments

Re-defining

Fri, 16 Jun 2006 15:41:46 +0200

Hello. You are still here - wow - what a ride.

First date started in Waitrose car park and lasted 50 hours! Picnic, my old house, cathedral, lake, coffee (that was a bit of a scary moment), home. Then macaroni cheese, forest and lake and dinner. Then home. Goodbye was so sad, bearable but sad. Come down from the clouds. Will it be the same in reality time. Yes, it was.

We said "This time we get it right..."

Physical, emotional, spiritual, practical, children (his and mine), parents, money, build in our own space, trying to take it all as slowly as possible but knowing it'll be fine. Hard work, but fine.

How are you feeling now? A bit more confident? Getting your voice back? I heard you a couple of times - you were very brave and totally honest. I think you are stronger now, you really are. Whatever happens next will be fine. Hard work, but fine.

Welcome home.

Comments

Closing doors ever so quietly

Mon, 12 Jun 2006 22:05:11 +0200

lady
do you know what day it is
today
i'll tell you
but before I do we need to make a promise
never leave eachother again

i can help you from afar, my tiny voice will always
be heard
be felt
be understood
somewhere
while you fly

today, if you choose to stay with me
we can shout together
oh joy
oh languorous sleep

don't leave me again, hold on to me in your frosty caves
my fire will always warm your hands
if you come a little closer

so now i tell you about today

it really is today

*********

Man of Persia, man of heights and thoughts
What drew you to me or I to you?
You are right, it is very hard for me without metaphor

I will try to say what I mean
Forgive the accidental use of metaphor
perhaps it is in my genes or even lazy thought

I called out for a mind to play with, luxuriate in, feed and climax
And I stand on the precipice - out damn metaphor!

My thoughts are activated as if... - no go away!

A character with strength enough to
just be
with me

And for me to have the strength to
just be
with him

Man of Persia, man of heights and thoughts
I cannot be with you
I cannot swim with your dendrites and axons

I see the Ground Beneath My Feet
and find I first must learn to stand tall

*********

Were you my adonis with your frank challenges and
smooth skin, almost close enough to breathe your
manliness and taste your bittersweet offerings?

Or were you cupid's path to new awakenings, never
to partake, merely to offer.

You will always be my almost lover and I yours.
You must understand this was no play or tease
I nearly went with you to unknown places

I see the Ground Beneath My Feet
and find I first must learn to run with my own
before I run with yours

Comments

Long Hot Sunday - REDEFINED

Sun, 11 Jun 2006 19:22:27 +0200

Hello again. Hey, it's hot and muggy today!

You hate these hot summers, don't you? I know you won't believe me but it's so much to do with how you feel inside. Now, today, I feel great. They were playing club music in next door but one's garden and I danced to it. Dreamy I wrote in my MSN blog.

What else have I done that you wouldn't do?

I danced in a kareoke bar and stayed there with the children until 11:30. They sang for me.

I went to a blues club while the football was on. Sat next to Suzie Quattro's husband. Wanted to dance. Drove a good distance in hot weather.

Now, what you don't know yet, and I'll tell you now, don't be too surprised after all that has happened. I have met somebody. No, the high isn't because of him, though that's part of it. (It's because I'm me again - more below). We are going to meet up on Tuesday and talk long and hard about our future. You are going to say it's too soon. But it's not.

I've had this time to start to stand on my own feet. I keep reading what you wrote last year. Seven months isn't bad.

Re-invention you say? I don't know. Redefining perhaps is a better word. If you look at me and don't know me, re-invention is how it looks, so I don't think badly of you for your choice of words.

REDEFINED

You tried to squeeze into a role, one person, the best you could. It nearly killed you. Here's what you are - here's my discovery.

YOU LOVE THE HEAT!!!!!
Though not too much activity and it's still hard to sleep.

YOU HAVE AN OPEN MIND!!!!!
That includes thinking of partners outside your pre-conceived ideas of perfection. That includes job prospects. That includes music (???club, really????). That includes where you want to live. Despsite the false seductiveness of London.

YOU HAVE SO MANY INTERESTS!!!!!
Not just art, but gardening, music, conversation, cats, people, oh too many to mention.

YOU HAVE AN ENDLESS LIST OF POSSIBILITIES!!!!!!!
You aren't in your 30's any more but with age comes an appreciation of the finer and tinyer things in life. It really works. Possibilities in bird song and clean sheets, vegetables and driving with the window open. Oh, come on, you can think of more, surely?

YOU HAVE AN ENDLESS LIST OF PERSONALITIES!!!!!!!
Different roles, different voices, different social groups, different men, it's not because you are a hard person to find focus, it's because you are a very interesting person. People find you challenging because they don't understand and will try to pigeon hole you unsuccessfully.

DON'T ALLOW YOURSELF TO BE PIGEON-HOLED

You got this far, hold on, it's a rollercoaster for a while while you sort out your possibilities. I'll let you know how we get on after Tuesday. Wish me luck!!

Comments

Names

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 19:58:17 +0200

Hello again ladybenoname. It's funny that John should write from NY and ask me how he should write my surname in his address book. You didn't want any name did you?

He made me think.
My maiden name?
Why should I be called after my father?

Make up a new name?
I'll offend my parents.

I could use my pen name. Do I really want to have my name out there in public already?
Not sure about that.

Fazir wrote and said although I was quite a searching and inquisitive person, I was being very cautious. Very astute.

What would you have done? Put it to one side and forget it.

Comments

Meeting you meeting me

Sat, 10 Jun 2006 00:08:58 +0200

Well, hello there ladybenoname. I've just come home from a toning voice evening and wanted to tell you all that has happened since you wrote last year.

S came back just after Christmas to sort out the claim from insurance for his computer which was mugged off him. It was fun to start with. He made such an effort. He cooked for you and sat and made conversation. You even thought he had made an effort to be more communicative. But it didn't last long, in the back of your mind you knew it wouldn't didn't you? But then he wasn't showing any signs of getting a job, wouldn't sign on, locked himself away in his room all the time, you even went on a couple of walks but it was so painfully like before that you became depressed again. You tried so hard, don't put yourself down. You spent 8 years trying to make it right for him. You loved him and did everything you could to try to make him feel happier in this country.

I think you realised this was final after 2 weeks. But he stayed for 2 months and all the progress you had made, getting some rhythm into your life, clearing the house, tidying the garden, all went away and you closed in on yourself. I wonder if you'll always be in love with him. Whatever love is. 8 years is a long time to love and be rejected by your husband.

He left again. Left you in debt. Left you feeling bitter. All that progress and back to square one. Not so much grief, although that was certainly part of it, more anger at yourself and him. All those wasted years. All that wasted energy.

But you know, somehow you clawed your way back. You dusted down your apron, applied for income support, sorted out your support system. Your therapist in Brixton was happy to accept lower fees. Your days had structure. Then you were given your date for your operation. I wonder why you were in such a panic about it. Nobody to look after you probably. The therapist was supportive and you thought that was enough, especially when he suggested more sessions just before the op.

Then the worst happened to you, which at the time you weren't to realise, was actually best. You money ran out and you had to live on minimum wage. No more therapist. That was OK, I think you were ready to stand on your own. But you had an unfortunate experience with the therapist and he didn't want to let you go. You wasted your last session trying to persuade him you'd be OK.

No support systems, about to go into hospital, you had to ask your family for help. I wonder if you realised how grudgingly they agreed to help you. You probably couldn't afford to be choosy.

Whatever made you decide, at such a low point in your life, to research going back to radiography. Not only that, you joined a dating service! All this, a couple of weeks before going into hospital. What a strange time to make changes in your life.

You got through the operation very quickly, and somebody else emerged, didn't they? Who would have thought it?

Comments

Life Changed

Fri, 09 Jun 2006 18:05:15 +0200

Oh, my, has life changed. Hello there, it's been so long since I've read you ladybenoname. Name is no issue. Not now. Will write to you soon.

I don't beleive we've met. But don't worry. There is change. It's possible, just very strange to predict what's coming.

Comments

Life change number two

Sun, 06 Nov 2005 14:04:36 +0100

It's now FIVE WEEKS since he left. For openers: The day he left

And one day since caz moved to her first flat.

Um. What's left? Me and 4 cats and everybody else's mess.

As I go through the house, the cupboards, the corners, I see where I have moved aside so everyone else has the space they need.

Space.

Not just physical space but mental space.
I'm the enabler.

Now the big empty house for me.
Big?
Not really - a small terrace crammed full with
computers
teenagers
cats
husband
health foods
medicines
bicycles
old school books
cuddly toys
CDs
stereos
unwashed plates
science experiments in mugs of tea (thoughtfully provided by mum after a night out)
screwed up bits of paper when the bin is full (it's not only me who is supposed to empty it)
bottles of shampoo and bubble bath with virtually nothing left
odd socks
GCSE results
school reports
glitter pens from 10 Christmases ago
an old handbag (I wondered where that went)
a sheet of paper empty of adhesive tatoos

Lots of stuff she still has to collect.
Coats and hats (it's not cold yet)
A few photos...
No, not much left really.
She did a good job despite the rubbish
Life's detritus.
We all have that.
She used to leave me baby offerings - excretions from all orifices
Toddler offerings - things she'd found in the garden or collected from a walk
School offerings - craft highlights then academic highlights
Bringing the boyfriends home.

And now her friends will all go there.
No more whispers and hysterical laughs in the summer's night garden
Creeping up the stairs at 4am
Fry-ups for 6 on a Sunday morning

It's OK. Really, it's OK. Time for me to move on.
Face my own demons, the ones I thought I'd left behind at 18.
Find out of I can still be a Radiographer after all these years.
Find out if I can live with myself.
Be happy again. At least be hopeful.
I don't have to pretend to be happy so everyone else can get on with their lives.

I wonder whether I should be talking to S. on the phone every day.
It's grounding. I like talking to him. We haven't talked like that since before we were married.
I don't think it's real, though, is it?

Perhaps I'm starting to realise he needed to move on. I wasn't right for him. He wasn't happy with me the way he was.

At last I realise, deep down, this was the right thing to do. I still want him back. But the 'him' is not real.

Let's see what happens.

Good job, girl. I really, honestly, thought I couldn't do it.

Now I feel tired. Very tired. I don't want to go through the turmoil of the therapy, though perhaps I should. Maybe I need a break. We'll see.

Comments