Re-Invention

About Pollygarter's comment on whether to have sex if you both want to or to hold off for a time.

Take J. No longer dating him but I miss him even though he had far too much baggage for comfort. Maybe the most open and interesting sexual relationship I'll ever have. We were very compatible. He misses me too. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week. There was chemistry at first sight, thought it was more, but turned out not. I suppose I'd have stuck with him through the baggage if I'd have thought about it. Maybe I bailed out too soon. On the other hand I have a history of sticking too long with relationships that are one sided.

Take F. He called me up yesterday and he said I hadn't given him enough of a chance and we should get back together again. We talked more on the phone than we'd done in all the time we were seeing eachother. I probably didn't give the process enough of a chance, but I was just feeling uncomfortable with him.

We had sex on our first date and it wasn't great at all. We both wanted to, but in retrospect, maybe I didn't want to as much as I thought. Perhaps if we'd developed more of a relationship it would have been better. We'd have been communicating.

Now is a chance to try a different way.

B. and I met up last Sunday for a drink and he just made me feel really comfortable and happy. We saw eachother Tuesday evening and it feels like I've known him longer. Off to spend the day together today. I'd better turn off the computer and get ready! Just a peck on the cheek from him.

Chemistry. I can feel it growing inside me. Now that might just be a result of my own needs and desires. Or part of the relationship. I don't know at all.

In the background is T. We've had some interesting talks on line. Had thought about meeting but he backed down. We talked about chemistry and letting it run away with us prematurely. He'd had a couple of encounters he'd regretted. He may have been saying that without meaning it, but it's food for thought.

Well, I gave in. When F. walked through the door I felt like I needed a hug. He was late, as usual. No apology. We walked up to the restaurant, had a nice meal, quite nice conversation, went for a walk after, showed him a lovely local bit of London. Not very close. He said he really liked me and felt a lot closer to him. I said I didn't feel I knew him all that well. He opened up a bit more on the walk which was nice.

I don't know, there was something empty. We got back to mine for a coffee. Then I gave in. I don't know why I do it, why I don't say no. He's not particularly stunning. But I do find it funny the way he expects me to provide the condom. Anyway, he enjoyed himself, not much of a look in for me. At least this time he wasn't up and away within 15 minutes. More like 30 minutes.

I think I laughed when he left. What on earth is going on? I asked myself why do I do it? A quick email from him in the week, then he had to go and visit his daughter who just had a baby. Fair enough. Nice to have a break anyway. Quiet weekend.

Who said quiet weekend?

First J. old boyfriend rings. We have a lovely chat and wonder what it would be like to get back together again. I still turn him on when we talk on the phone. It was so, so, so funny! (And very nice to have an open friendship with J. still) He was jerking off while I talked to him and just before THE moment his girlfriend rang on his mobile. This has to go down in the most funniest moments of my life. He rang back later to apologise and generously thought it was as funny as I thought. Not enough there for him to drop his girlfriend and I wanted to finish with F. before commiting ourselves. Still, it was nice to talk to him.

Next. Two lovely lads on the dating site. The One into the Archers and the other a professional musician I wrote about last time. Both lovely. Easy to write to. Then Archers suddenly stopped writing and withdrew his profile. I waited a few days and nothing. Wrote to say sorry not to hear from him. Nothing. Oh, well, another one sounds interesting then suddenly stops. You can never tell with people.

Writing a bit more to the musician and we decided to meet yesterday. I can't begin to explain what an incredible difference it was to meet somebody who actually made me feel good about myself. I can't explain what it was he did, but I felt I could really trust him. And what a gentleman. I resolved this time I'd get to know him before a physical relationship. No worries about that. It didn't arise and I didn't mind at all. A relief actually.

This made me think about the chemical attraction business. No doubt about it, the feeling is great. I had that for years with my ex husband (though it wasn't reciprocated) and still do with J. who is the most totally unsuitable long term partner but great in bed. It made me think about the subject of sex early on in a relationship and whether it really was a good idea if you want a long term relationship.

They say about a man not respecting you if you have sex too early. In that case I went wrong quite a few times. Those chemicals are great. But maybe it's time to keep the good memories and try it a different way.

I don't know the answer. All I know is this guy made me feel very different to others I've met. Time will tell. We are arranging to meet for dinner tomorrow.

And then in the mean time, damnit, Archers wrote back and apologised for not writing, some family problems. A very nice letter. A really nice letter. Aw gawd. So I decided to be totally honest, say I'd been a bit of an idiot to jump to conclusions and I'd just started to see someone. Told him I didn't know what to do. No point in being anything but honest. I don't think I know what I want at all.

I wrote a dear John email to F. this evening. What a coward to do it by email. I didn't really know what else to do. He never emails, never phones, just very short text messages. Glad I did it though, it wasn't going anywhere.