Third week and getting stronger!!!

Three weeks of work and I'm still here and smiling. What a change, didn't imagine this. Anyway.... here's the news.

Job
I'm using all my different skills, all the things I never thought I'd need to do again - web design, copy editing, formatting spreadsheets, saving onto floppies, taking minutes, filing (yes, what a pile!), the list is endless.

It's sort of almost perfect for what I need at the moment. The only glitch in the process is my pay. I have a contract for my hourly wage from an employment bureau, but the company said they were prepared to pay the bureau £4 an hour less!!!! They are still paying me the original but I don't know where this will lead or whether the bureau will absorb the difference. No idea what the company are actually paying. It's a contract job so they could change the terms if they wanted, I guess. Not happy to take a £4 an hour drop in wages though! Will wait and see what happens. If it works well there's a possibility of long term employment. Fingers crossed.

Pottery
Started that on Wednesday. I had 4 pots ready for glazing from last year thinking that would be a gentle route back into classes. But that didn't take long and I ended up throwing 2 more little pots. One of them was OK so I'm getting back into it quicker than I imagined. It's very complicated juggling dinner, washing and ironing, sandwiches for the next day, looking after the cats and getting sleep. Let alone going out one evening a week. This week though I went to the Barbican to see a full screening of Metropolis with a live film orchestra. Absolutely amazing!

What was funnier was getting ready to go out to the film from work. They didn't recognise me with my hair down!

A New Man
Now there's a thing. Getting more and more fed up with the idea of J. And he can't stop bitching about his ex and how he's not going to see his children any more because of the way she's treating him. I don't know, there isn't anything I can say any more. His life is just overwhelmingly complicated.

So I thought I'd write back to another man I'd met on the dating site at the same time I'd met J. We'd corresponded on and off and he was quite interesting. I logged into my hotmail account just to see if he'd written again and he'd sent me a very erotic poem he wrote a few days earlier. He'd only sent it because he'd given up on me responding. We wrote a bit and he sent me an offer I couldn't refuse....

Meet up at the Rodin exhibition at the Royal Academy last Saturday!

How could I resist? J. was seeing his children and I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks anyway. It wouldn't harm, it wasn't as if I was actually being unfaithful in the biblical sense.

Met up on Saturday, instant chemistry, the only thing was he is just a couple of inches taller than me and I'm so used to tall men. My first husband was smaller than me and I swore I'd never go out with a smaller man again. I just don't stand up tall. That goes for psychologically as well as physically.

We had a lovely day. The exhibition was nice and I could see his eyes pop out at some of the drawings. I'm very used to frank poses drawn by famous artists. Odd names like 'woman with her clothes awry' when she's so obviously posing as masturbating! He thought the pictures would go well in the Kama Sutra. That name comes up again. Lots of close up chats about the exhibits (from an artistic point of view only). Then after he bought me lunch in the restaurant there.

We got to chat about his background more. I'm curious because he's from Iran and politically exiled. More romantic to call it Persia, that's how he sees his old country. We seemed to have quite a lot in common. After lunch he took my hands in his and looked at my life lines and gave me a little spiel about what he saw. It was cute, he was trying to impress. All I could think about was his hands and his fingers all georgous and hairy. I love hairy men!

It was getting hot in the restaurant (I was getting hot in the restaurant) so we went down to the Embankment for a walk. We held hands, kissed a bit, watched the water. Something about the way he said 'give me your tongue' when we kissed that sealed it for me.

Well, the day ended with him asking if I would be his girlfriend and I said I wanted a little bit more time. Obviously very attracted to him. But something holding me back. Was it because I was still going out with J? Not really, something else, I needed to work it out.

I worked it out after a few days. All along I was thinking of relationships as being long term. I knew J. wasn't long term any more and thought it might be fun to just go out with him for a while longer. But my new man. He's probably not long term. I'm not wildly in love. How could I be after one meeting? So why should I think in terms of long term? I don't need to take him to meet my parents or children. I can just enjoy being with him for him for the time that feels right. Yessssss!!!! It's called 'dating'. How on earth can I know whether somebody will be a long term partner??????

Yes, well, the penny dropped and I feel a lot more like going out with him now. And so this weekend I will end it with J.

Ending it with J.
Here's how it stands now. On the phone with J yesterday I told him (as we'd already talked about it) that I was still feeling a bit distant from him with all the time we were apart. Then I reminded him that when we first started going out he said how important it was for him that he was looking for a long term partner and wasn't interested in just casual relationships. And I said that I didn't think we would have a long term future, I couldn't see myself moving in with him, depending on him, and earning part time for pin money. It's just not me any more. Very tired with work and can't see me having the energy to come down to Dorset on the train for the weekend.

My idea was to plant the seed in his mind and he would end it with me. Time for it to sink in. He was going to call today and let me know if and when he was coming to see me.

Called earlier this evening saying he felt a bit flat, wasn't sure about coming up this evening. We talked a bit about our feelings for eachother. I have to be honest, I still enjoy his company for short periods, and the bedroom department is good when we first get together. He still likes the idea of coming up to London, some culture, or cinema, home comforts and the sex. He decided to call tomorrow to tell me whether he can come up to see me.

The reasoning behind this, instead of just saying I don't want to go out with you any more, is because all his previous relationships have ended up sour and he just walked out never to speak again. As I'm the first person he said he's ever REALLY talked to, I thought it would be better for his ego if it would be him doing the dumping and we should part in a good mood.

I'm a dumping virgin really. Or a coward. I haven't dumped anyone since my teens. Just protracted heartache with two difficult marriages.

More blog after the weekend.