Re-Invention

Cooling off with F.

F. eventually contacted me on Monday, emailed to say he had a nice time. Some short notes back and forth. On Thursday I finally sorted out when I would see my daughter's play at RADA - Saturday evening. Son coming over for the day Sunday. So I apologised for the late notice but would he like a quiet evening on Friday or I could cook him lunch Saturday. No, he's going to a funeral on Saturday. Another time. OK, another time. Today he suggested we meet up at mine and go for a meal on Monday. That's OK, but there's no way I'm indulging in hanky panky on a week night on a full stomach. Let's see if it's me he likes or if he has a typical one track mind.

Old boyfriend J.

In the mean time.....

Talk about having fun....

J. called, the ex boyfriend. It was really nice talking to him again and even though there were a lot of difficult things between us, we definitely have good communications. I wonder if it would work better if I ignore all the long term no-no's like his ex wife and problems with contact with his children and his odd friends. Well, we're keeping in touch.

The guy I was corresponding with has fizzled out, though he said he wanted to carry on, things were getting interesting. I can't figure people out somehow. Maybe they just want a pen pal.

Another guy who was really, and I mean really, interesting. Quite a sharp tongue on him. Very intellectual. Was going well then that stopped suddenly.

And now a very sweet guy who is a professional guitarist and singer and even lives locally. Wants to meet for a drink.

I'm feeling very much on my own and loving it. Totally.

Food for thought - I remember what my therapist said to me, about being attracted to men who are unavailable for some reason. Hmmmmm....

R. can't be contacted

While all this is going on, my telephone friend R. who I've been talking to most nights for the past few years is really ill (cancer and secondaries all over the place) and can't contact me. His old partner has stopped work to look after him. He's very protective of him. All these men together, can't be good. I feel a bit useless as I've always been able to cheer up R. even in his darkest times. I hope he's OK. He managed to send out a secretive email to me to say he's still alive but not quite kicking but I can't write back or it'll be discovered that he's contacted me.

At least he's still alive.

Why on earth would I be sitting here on a Saturday night writing a blog? Could it be something to do with my date going wrong. Correct.

It started off well. Last two times F. was late, just a bit, but it doesn't feel good waiting around for someone and I don't know whether they will turn up and waiting in a strange underground station.

This time I decided I'd be late. I texted him and said I'm running late will be there half an hour later than arranged. That was OK. Going around the gallery was sort of interesting. We saw the Velasquez exhibition at the National Gallery. I joked with him that this time he didn't need one of those headphone guides as he had me. He lasted 10 minutes and ran for the guide.

Those guides are quite extraordinary. We complain on the tube and the bus about people who have their iPods on too loud. Yet here we were in an art gallery trying to concentrate, every one of us. And all over the place you could hear the cheep cheep cheep of those guides and linking music. What a racket!

I tried to talk to F. about some of the paintings, stuff they didn't put in the guides. But he really did not understand. I pride myself in communicating arty things to non arty people. But I gave up on F.

Not to worry. My turn for lunch. We ate at the gallery and had a lovely meal. I asked him all about his teenage years and 20's and felt some kind of connection with him hearing some of the stuff he talked about. How he opened up. Stuff he's never talked to anyone about before. Then we went off for a nice walk and I promised him I'd find a way to cheer him up. It poured with rain, so romantic walking over the Thames, big Ben and the houses of Parliament against a black sky with the sun on the river and a rainbow behind us.

We stopped off in a cafe on the south bank, soaking wet. Had some wine. Then I engaged him in a conversation about quantum physics. Not that I know much about it, but I'm curious about the non-existence of things we've taken for granted. He's a physicist. Great discussion. Going well.

He wanted to come back to my place. Didn't take long to say yes. But I don't know what it is. It's like trying to mate with a stone again. And after it was the same thing. Quick shower while I was downstairs making a bit of dinner (home made soup). He didn't want to eat and couldn't get out of the house fast enough (9pm). He's so all over me and romantic and when it comes down to it, there's nothing there.

I dunno. I'm not going to contact him first this time. See what happens. Next time (if there is a next time) there's no going back to my place.

Better... better... better...

First off, they've extended my contract until the end of December. And that means not only will I have a nice Christmas for the first time in years, I can get stuck into my job and make it interesting and challenging for me. They are really piling on the variety. Now it looks like I'm going to be cleaning up their database. Grotty job, needs a lot of concentration, understanding of the system (which I don't have too much yet) and when it's done I'll be the star of the show because nobody else would do it.

F. my Persian date carried on being georgous. We had a really nice meal in the Persian restaurant. He didn't hold back with his affections. It was a very romantic meal. Afterwards there was nowhere really to go so he offered to drive me back to my house. I made him promise a cup of coffee and no more. Needless to say, his affections got the better of me and I thought what's the point in playing hard to get when I want to be got. If that means he doesn't respect me afterwards then maybe I'll learn the hard way.

Trouble is, he went home quite abruptly afterwards and didn't contact me even after I emailed him twice. Serves me right, I thought. Got to learn somehow. It was fun.

So I went back on the dating sites and corresponded with a few interesting fellows. One turned out to be some kind of freak who I cut off straight away. You can never tell from the profiles. One I contacted who was rather georgous but his replies to me were curt and felt a bit like game playing. He wanted an intelligent woman who would speak her mind. I did. He wrote back rather more conciliatory and I wrote in a similar tone. Still waiting to hear from him but I'm not particularly comfortable with him.

I think I'm getting the hang of this now.

Then came along a very nice fellow who is actually going out with someone but wanted to write anyway. We've been exchanging longer and longer emails and it's so easy to write to him as if we speak the same language. So no pressure either way. What's nice about this guy is I'm not feeling amorous about someone I've never met. That must be a healthy sign. Perhaps I'm starting to focus on the person instead of my own needs for a physical relationship.

Then on Tuesday F. sent me a text to say his network had broken down which is why he couldn't email me. But why didn't he text me earlier? That was confusing. We've arranged to meet up again tomorrow. I wonder how it'll be. He seems keen enough again. Will I still be keen though?

Yes, it's over

It worked out OK in the end. J said he'd still like to see me and I him, but not with a long term relationship in mind. He said he'd call on Saturday and didn't. So that was it as far as I was concerned. He called on Sunday and apologised for not calling Saturday and I just said I didn't think it would work but it would be nice to keep in touch and see how we were getting on with life. Haven't heard from him since and don't expect to either. A little sad, I suppose, but not much. Just thought of him once on the bus into work.

F. my Persian date

These half hour bus journeys are dreadful on the imagination. I take a book to read but wander off all the time. Keep thinking about my new guy F. We will be meeting on a proper date tomorrow. Cos I hadn't seen J. for such a long time it's been 2 months since being out with a man. I wish the reality would be as good as my imagination!

We are going to a local Persian restaurant he thinks is really good. This still hasn't stopped me from looking at the dating web sites again. So many men and not enough time!!! but anyway, we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Job going well but may end

They throw all kinds of research and taks at me, stuff nobody else can concentrate on or has time to do. That's what I love. But the person I'm replacing is expected back from maternity leave in 3 weeks and that's all I have left to work. They didn't like the person I replaced and as she hasn't made contact with them for over a year they think she may not be coming back. But I'll have to 'sign off' contract on the day she's due back and see what happens. I hope they'll keep me on.

I love the mornings going to work. Walking down my road into the sunrise every day. It's been so calm and beautiful. Slightly chilly. Still very tired but getting much better. Although it's nearly 3pm now and I still haven't got dressed. Nice to have a lazy day. Bu&&er - I have to go into town and buy something nice for tomorrow!!! EEEEEEK!!!

Nice to have some money in the bank account again. Even if it's only for a few weeks.

I'm curious to find out how the creative side of me disappears when things are going well. I can't imagine who I was a year ago. Why can't I be creative when I'm happy?

Better get dressed and go out. Planning on a nice relaxing day with a lovely bath and essential oils before I meet F tomorrow evening. Can't do it without something decent to wear.

Third week and getting stronger!!!

Three weeks of work and I'm still here and smiling. What a change, didn't imagine this. Anyway.... here's the news.

Job
I'm using all my different skills, all the things I never thought I'd need to do again - web design, copy editing, formatting spreadsheets, saving onto floppies, taking minutes, filing (yes, what a pile!), the list is endless.

It's sort of almost perfect for what I need at the moment. The only glitch in the process is my pay. I have a contract for my hourly wage from an employment bureau, but the company said they were prepared to pay the bureau £4 an hour less!!!! They are still paying me the original but I don't know where this will lead or whether the bureau will absorb the difference. No idea what the company are actually paying. It's a contract job so they could change the terms if they wanted, I guess. Not happy to take a £4 an hour drop in wages though! Will wait and see what happens. If it works well there's a possibility of long term employment. Fingers crossed.

Pottery
Started that on Wednesday. I had 4 pots ready for glazing from last year thinking that would be a gentle route back into classes. But that didn't take long and I ended up throwing 2 more little pots. One of them was OK so I'm getting back into it quicker than I imagined. It's very complicated juggling dinner, washing and ironing, sandwiches for the next day, looking after the cats and getting sleep. Let alone going out one evening a week. This week though I went to the Barbican to see a full screening of Metropolis with a live film orchestra. Absolutely amazing!

What was funnier was getting ready to go out to the film from work. They didn't recognise me with my hair down!

A New Man
Now there's a thing. Getting more and more fed up with the idea of J. And he can't stop bitching about his ex and how he's not going to see his children any more because of the way she's treating him. I don't know, there isn't anything I can say any more. His life is just overwhelmingly complicated.

So I thought I'd write back to another man I'd met on the dating site at the same time I'd met J. We'd corresponded on and off and he was quite interesting. I logged into my hotmail account just to see if he'd written again and he'd sent me a very erotic poem he wrote a few days earlier. He'd only sent it because he'd given up on me responding. We wrote a bit and he sent me an offer I couldn't refuse....

Meet up at the Rodin exhibition at the Royal Academy last Saturday!

How could I resist? J. was seeing his children and I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks anyway. It wouldn't harm, it wasn't as if I was actually being unfaithful in the biblical sense.

Met up on Saturday, instant chemistry, the only thing was he is just a couple of inches taller than me and I'm so used to tall men. My first husband was smaller than me and I swore I'd never go out with a smaller man again. I just don't stand up tall. That goes for psychologically as well as physically.

We had a lovely day. The exhibition was nice and I could see his eyes pop out at some of the drawings. I'm very used to frank poses drawn by famous artists. Odd names like 'woman with her clothes awry' when she's so obviously posing as masturbating! He thought the pictures would go well in the Kama Sutra. That name comes up again. Lots of close up chats about the exhibits (from an artistic point of view only). Then after he bought me lunch in the restaurant there.

We got to chat about his background more. I'm curious because he's from Iran and politically exiled. More romantic to call it Persia, that's how he sees his old country. We seemed to have quite a lot in common. After lunch he took my hands in his and looked at my life lines and gave me a little spiel about what he saw. It was cute, he was trying to impress. All I could think about was his hands and his fingers all georgous and hairy. I love hairy men!

It was getting hot in the restaurant (I was getting hot in the restaurant) so we went down to the Embankment for a walk. We held hands, kissed a bit, watched the water. Something about the way he said 'give me your tongue' when we kissed that sealed it for me.

Well, the day ended with him asking if I would be his girlfriend and I said I wanted a little bit more time. Obviously very attracted to him. But something holding me back. Was it because I was still going out with J? Not really, something else, I needed to work it out.

I worked it out after a few days. All along I was thinking of relationships as being long term. I knew J. wasn't long term any more and thought it might be fun to just go out with him for a while longer. But my new man. He's probably not long term. I'm not wildly in love. How could I be after one meeting? So why should I think in terms of long term? I don't need to take him to meet my parents or children. I can just enjoy being with him for him for the time that feels right. Yessssss!!!! It's called 'dating'. How on earth can I know whether somebody will be a long term partner??????

Yes, well, the penny dropped and I feel a lot more like going out with him now. And so this weekend I will end it with J.

Ending it with J.
Here's how it stands now. On the phone with J yesterday I told him (as we'd already talked about it) that I was still feeling a bit distant from him with all the time we were apart. Then I reminded him that when we first started going out he said how important it was for him that he was looking for a long term partner and wasn't interested in just casual relationships. And I said that I didn't think we would have a long term future, I couldn't see myself moving in with him, depending on him, and earning part time for pin money. It's just not me any more. Very tired with work and can't see me having the energy to come down to Dorset on the train for the weekend.

My idea was to plant the seed in his mind and he would end it with me. Time for it to sink in. He was going to call today and let me know if and when he was coming to see me.

Called earlier this evening saying he felt a bit flat, wasn't sure about coming up this evening. We talked a bit about our feelings for eachother. I have to be honest, I still enjoy his company for short periods, and the bedroom department is good when we first get together. He still likes the idea of coming up to London, some culture, or cinema, home comforts and the sex. He decided to call tomorrow to tell me whether he can come up to see me.

The reasoning behind this, instead of just saying I don't want to go out with you any more, is because all his previous relationships have ended up sour and he just walked out never to speak again. As I'm the first person he said he's ever REALLY talked to, I thought it would be better for his ego if it would be him doing the dumping and we should part in a good mood.

I'm a dumping virgin really. Or a coward. I haven't dumped anyone since my teens. Just protracted heartache with two difficult marriages.

More blog after the weekend.