Downgrade Relationship to Short-Term

I got really upset about the way J was treating me a couple of weeks ago and went into an 'I hate me' phase as a consequence. I'm out the other side now.

So I decided J was NOT going to be a long term relationship (I'm not going to spend my life clearing up after him if he doesn't give me something back in return, like security). I changed gears and thought about it in terms of 'let's see if we can just have fun for the moment'.

He came to visit last weekend and wanted to bring me a cheap piano. But he didn't want to feel I was taking advantage of him. He wanted to think I would try to contribute to it's tuning whenever I felt able.

I told him 'I only have enough money to eat, how can I possibly think about paying for a piano tuner!!!???' He asked, no, he SAID, my son would surely be able to contribute. His father has plenty of money and spends enough. I said it was none of my business how much money his father had and I wouldn't presume to commit any of my son's pocket money without asking him first. I was REALLY uncomfortable with the whole thing. I said 'either you pay for the tuning yourself and I'll babysit the piano for you or you give it to me as a present and if you want to give me the tuning as a present that would be nice.'

I didn't want to involve myself in some kind of 'I'll pay you back in the future when I have the money' arrangement just to satisfy him that I wasn't taking advantage of him. Why can't he just give me the damn thing and pay for the tuning himself??!! I'm not the one who plays piano, he's the one who'll use it, and my children when they visit me.

In the end I found a piano locally for free and he collected it for me. Took a bit of hard work getting it into the house though. LOL!

The piano tuner said it would cost £200 to get it repaired and tuned properly which is worth it as the piano would probably sell for £350. Definitely worth it. Yes, it's worth it said J. But when I asked if he wants to go ahead and get it tuned, he said 'we'll see'. So it's sitting in my house now and a nice seat for the cats.

If it's still there in another month I'm getting rid of it.

So I reckon I stood up for myself although it's stale mate as he doesn't have me under control and I have a useless piano that I can't move on my own.

Games, that's all it is. Not a basis for a good relationship.

Anyway, the sex was quite good. Though he is still having trouble with 'standing up for himself' so to speak. It's to do with the wrong  blood pressure drugs he's taking, though he won't see the doctor about it.

He's had a very high blood pressure time recently with problems with one of his friends taking advantage of him. It's like his whole life is centred around people taking advantage of eachother. He found it totally alien that I would do something just for him and nothing in it for me than to see him happy.

Health Problems

Bad news health wise for me. I have fast growing cells in the uterus and I've been put on some high dose progesterone to see if that clears it. The progesterone coil wouldn't fit.

It means I'm shedding all the time. Pretty miserable. I go back in 2 months for another check up. J wasn't all that sympathetic apart from that I might not enjoy the bed department so much.

Funnily enough, I got out of my miserable fug in the most unexpected way. My ex husband called for a chat. It was so nice to talk to somebody who knew me well. And we do still have a lot of connections. He perked me up and I'm much more positive about my health now.

Funny to realise I'm still in love with him although there is no way I would be back with him again.  He leaves me with a feeling that he's like quick sand, nothing to hold on to and easy to slip away.

Whereas J is like a clump of clay. No wonder he's a farmer.

Conclusion to all this...

Start enjoying our relationship for what it is and stop thinking of it as something long term. What will be will be. In the mean time he'll have to stop thinking of me moving into his new house with him so I can look after him and clean and organise and help him run his business. He'll have to get in a 'lady that does' until such time as I feel he has my interests more at heart than my body.

Job Hunting

Job hunting is hopeless still. There's a possibility of a radiography mentorship from a Kent school but the local hospital STILL haven't got back to me about starting there, either paid or voluntary.

I've applied for more office jobs too and changed the way I apply. Apparently you have to answer every point in the job description and say why you can do it. Then the HR people go through a check list for interview. I applied for a job like that locally for a Health Trust and we'll see if that gets me through to interview.  Renewed my New Deal card which gets me cheaper transport. Yay!!!