Re-Invention

The Job

First week over. It wasn't too bad after all.

I'm sooooo tired!!!!!!!

Feet still ache!!!!!!!! And it's Sunday.

Although yesterday I made myself drive all the way over to the blues club despite being late and going a different route. Didn't know a soul when I got there. Sat on my own. Then joined somebody for a better view of the group. They were OK, but they had a guest guitarist who was really good. Left with only a fiver in my purse and they wouldn't take a cheque. So I had to drink lemonades. Next week I'll be paid - yipeee!!!

The Boyfriend

J. called and is missing me. He didn't come this weekend cos he had more stuff to move down to Dorset. He said he'd lost his dog yesterday and with a long drawn out story with his mouth full of crips (I complained cos I couldn't understand a word he was talking about) the dog was delivered to the local vet. Why he didn't say he was OK to start with I don't know.

Yes, the more I talk to him, the more I know he's not a long term relationship. But I do like the idea of an occasional comfortable weekend with him. Not next weekend as his children are visiting. I need to sit through the 'bitch' stories for a while when he complains about his ex. But being tired, I won't have the patience for much - ha ha!

Other men, shopping, pottery classes

It's funny, but I've started thinking more about my ex again. I got sad driving back from the blues club, I know he would have enjoyed it. He hasn't written for a week which means he's on a writing jag again and probably won't emerge for weeks.

I also got sad when I went to Sainsburys. I put nicer things in my basket for the first time since February. Fine beans. Spinach. Nectarines. Pate. Olive oil. Nice shampoo. I've been surviving on such basic stuff for so long they seem like nectar. Is this nightmare really going to come to an end????? I can hardly believe it.

Next week pottery starts. I'll have to try and move my class to an evening class. Not sure whether I'll have enough energy to go after work, but it's worth it to see. The plan is it'll energise me.

Today, some mending. The hem came down on my cheap polyester trousers. It rained too much last night to be able to cut the grass. Maybe it'll be OK to stay long this winter.

One more video to watch and send back the Blockbuster subscription. Then I just have the Screen Select one to run. I have a nice sexy one to watch and if J. doesn't come over he'll miss it too!!! Hard luck.

R.'s health is steadily getting worse. He was given another whole body scan yesterday, still isn't able to keep his food down, but seems to be on top of things mentally. He doesn't feel like talking much on the phone but mostly calls every evening. I don't cheer him up as much as I used to do. It used to be easy to get him talking about spending 6p on a bar or chocolate and now he wouldn't dream of spending £1-10/- He's said a bit about it being more serious this time. At least he'll know where he stands after the results of his scan yesterday.

He gave me a really good verbal personal reference for my job. He's such a great person.

Health

I've stopped bleeding! What a relief. Still on the progesterone tablets, but maybe that means the hyperplasia is under control. Haven't had an appointment through for my checkup yet so I won't know for a while.

And to move on...

Now, let's see who I am now. Slighly lonely woman in her 50's with greying hair who doesn't want to cut it short. Go to work with it tied up and let it down at the end of the day.

I can do lots more than they thought I could - help out with presentations using software I hadn't used before, setting out the posh tea and biscuits and brochures for board meetings. I fluff answering the phone a bit and forget the name of the company. Must be my age. Forget people's names (always been like that). I concentrate, multi-task and put a little extra into the jobs I do. They say that although the job is meant to be until mid November, it'll probably last until the new year. Depending on whether the original post holder comes back or not (she's just had twins) it could go on indefinitely and the job will expand. Sounds perfect for me. As long as I don't get too exhausted.

The bus journey to work is slow and painful. Takes 45 mins to get there and an hour to get back. I think I'll take the car when the winter comes. Maybe I'll get less tired.

The pay is reasonable. The people are nice. There's a great anti-bullying attitude and they don't talk behind people's backs. All is looking hopeful so far.

The odd evening out will mean I have to leave from work and take a change of clothes on the bus and my dinner as well as lunch. Off to see the film Metropolis at the Barbican next Monday. I wonder how much I should tell them about myself. Will they accept my wierdness? The only time I've ever been really accepted was at art school.

Can't believe that getting into a strop changes circumstances, but it did!

On Friday my sweet little pussy cat walked back into my neighbour's house, none the worse for wear, but looking very thin. I was away in Dorset by then and they texted me to tell me everything was alright!!!!

Earlier that day - guess what, I was offered the job!!! I started today (Tuesday) and I'm exhausted. The bus takes an age to get there and even longer to get back. But at least it's just one bus. I got a suit and a couple of blouses from the Job Centre yesterday and they paid my first month's season ticket.

Today I got home at 7. Ate a meal I made yesterday. Showered and washed my hair. Bed at 10 and up at 6.30. No time to talk on the phone with J. Don't know how I'll have time to keep up any friends, so maybe they'll just have to wait for the weekend.

I have a pile of videos to watch. No chance of that any more, will have to cancel my subscription. I guess this is called having a life!

I know life isn't fair but.... does it have to be so bad ???

Now, listen here, fate, god, humanity or whatever it is that dishes out the sh*t to some people and not others.

Listen to me you ba**a*d !!!!!!! Just leave me alone and let me get on with my life. Don't you know I'm trying harder than I should be ???? I'm supposed to take time to take things slowly and build up my strength. But I can't can I !!!

NO !! No way. I have to FIND A JOB!! I have no money and no life. But I'm OVER QUALIFIED. I'll be happy to make the tea for somebody. I've trained and worked as a Radiographer and there aren't enough around. But nobody wants to take me on for re-training.

I'm a wonderful person. Great with people. Great with detail. Team player. I just want to GET ON WITH A JOB for f**c's sake!!!

OK. Deal with it.

But you know what???

Last Friday my beautiful cat Jill went missing. She hardly ever leaves my side and when she does it's to sleep in my garden or next door's garden. But on Friday (8th October) my other next door neighbour put up fences and I don't think she could get back into my garden. She doesn't jump very well. I've been calling her and looking every day. I dream I find her and wake up happy and realise it was just a dream.

I swear I won't get upset like I did 4 years ago when we lost our Burmilla. But I bl**dy am!

A lovely old lady (who stinks to high heaven, bless her) came round this evening and said she thought she spotted Jill yesterday. She came knocking yesterday but I was out (trying to give my mind a break from worrying - Modigliani exhibition at the Royal Academy). The description sounded right. We went over and called for her. Maybe she would still be there.

There was a bit of hope too. Just think, maybe she will come back...

I ended up going around all the streets calling.

Like last time.
It felt like yesterday.

Nearly got home and I heard a meow I recognised. Heart raced. Could it really be her? For once my luck was changing? It was possible...

Well, it wasn't Jill, it was her brother standing on the corner of my road calling me (or her).

Ran home and cried for the first time.

The photo is Jill's brother giving her a wash.

___________________________________________________________

I have an interview tomorrow. It's an admin officer in an IT company. Sounds OK for me, just about get by on the wages. Only until the end of November though. At least it's something.

I went over there by car today to see if it was possible to drive without getting lost. I ALWAYS get lost. I concentrated really hard and only got lost at the end. It was really complicated and I was very pleased with myself. I think I'll be able to manage to get there tomorrow in one piece.

My only white blouse has a tiny tea stain on the front. I hope they don't notice. I'm wearing a trouser suit and will put my hair up in a clip at the back. It's quite wild hair and I'll have to gel it down at the back as it's all fuzzy. A customer facing job so I have to be smart.

Never thought I'd end up with one wearable (just) white blouse and a polyester trouser suit. That's all the job centre grant would run to.

I will sweat like mad.
I will try to remain relaxed and not nervous.
The muggy weather is NOT what I need !!!

Mind you, driving there is pretty nerve wracking. If I go on a bus I'll have a 20 minute walk at the other end through an industrial estate. With all my glad rags and makeup I don't think I could stomach that.

And then in the evening I travel down to Dorset to spend the weekend with J.

He's got issues with his ex wife who is with-holding contact with his children. He's going back to court for residency now. Sigh.

Issues with his mother who interferes whenever she can (even though she lives over 100 miles away but this time he brought her over to his new place just to show her).

Issues with the people who he bought his house from. And they left him their 2 cats even though he said he didn't want them.

Issues, smissues. Oy!!!! I just need a bit of quiet. I know I have to end it with J. But what a time to end it. Bad for me as well as him.

This time we have running water, a bathroom and a cooker that hopefully works. No bed yet (I'm NOT sleeping on the floor). No food in. And I'm NOT going to clean up his house for him.

Enough already!!!!

Wish me luck for the interview tomorrow. That might swing the balance the other way totally.

I got really upset about the way J was treating me a couple of weeks ago and went into an 'I hate me' phase as a consequence. I'm out the other side now.

So I decided J was NOT going to be a long term relationship (I'm not going to spend my life clearing up after him if he doesn't give me something back in return, like security). I changed gears and thought about it in terms of 'let's see if we can just have fun for the moment'.

He came to visit last weekend and wanted to bring me a cheap piano. But he didn't want to feel I was taking advantage of him. He wanted to think I would try to contribute to it's tuning whenever I felt able.

I told him 'I only have enough money to eat, how can I possibly think about paying for a piano tuner!!!???' He asked, no, he SAID, my son would surely be able to contribute. His father has plenty of money and spends enough. I said it was none of my business how much money his father had and I wouldn't presume to commit any of my son's pocket money without asking him first. I was REALLY uncomfortable with the whole thing. I said 'either you pay for the tuning yourself and I'll babysit the piano for you or you give it to me as a present and if you want to give me the tuning as a present that would be nice.'

I didn't want to involve myself in some kind of 'I'll pay you back in the future when I have the money' arrangement just to satisfy him that I wasn't taking advantage of him. Why can't he just give me the damn thing and pay for the tuning himself??!! I'm not the one who plays piano, he's the one who'll use it, and my children when they visit me.

In the end I found a piano locally for free and he collected it for me. Took a bit of hard work getting it into the house though. LOL!

The piano tuner said it would cost £200 to get it repaired and tuned properly which is worth it as the piano would probably sell for £350. Definitely worth it. Yes, it's worth it said J. But when I asked if he wants to go ahead and get it tuned, he said 'we'll see'. So it's sitting in my house now and a nice seat for the cats.

If it's still there in another month I'm getting rid of it.

So I reckon I stood up for myself although it's stale mate as he doesn't have me under control and I have a useless piano that I can't move on my own.

Games, that's all it is. Not a basis for a good relationship.

Anyway, the sex was quite good. Though he is still having trouble with 'standing up for himself' so to speak. It's to do with the wrong  blood pressure drugs he's taking, though he won't see the doctor about it.

He's had a very high blood pressure time recently with problems with one of his friends taking advantage of him. It's like his whole life is centred around people taking advantage of eachother. He found it totally alien that I would do something just for him and nothing in it for me than to see him happy.

Health Problems

Bad news health wise for me. I have fast growing cells in the uterus and I've been put on some high dose progesterone to see if that clears it. The progesterone coil wouldn't fit.

It means I'm shedding all the time. Pretty miserable. I go back in 2 months for another check up. J wasn't all that sympathetic apart from that I might not enjoy the bed department so much.

Funnily enough, I got out of my miserable fug in the most unexpected way. My ex husband called for a chat. It was so nice to talk to somebody who knew me well. And we do still have a lot of connections. He perked me up and I'm much more positive about my health now.

Funny to realise I'm still in love with him although there is no way I would be back with him again.  He leaves me with a feeling that he's like quick sand, nothing to hold on to and easy to slip away.

Whereas J is like a clump of clay. No wonder he's a farmer.

Conclusion to all this...

Start enjoying our relationship for what it is and stop thinking of it as something long term. What will be will be. In the mean time he'll have to stop thinking of me moving into his new house with him so I can look after him and clean and organise and help him run his business. He'll have to get in a 'lady that does' until such time as I feel he has my interests more at heart than my body.

Job Hunting

Job hunting is hopeless still. There's a possibility of a radiography mentorship from a Kent school but the local hospital STILL haven't got back to me about starting there, either paid or voluntary.

I've applied for more office jobs too and changed the way I apply. Apparently you have to answer every point in the job description and say why you can do it. Then the HR people go through a check list for interview. I applied for a job like that locally for a Health Trust and we'll see if that gets me through to interview.  Renewed my New Deal card which gets me cheaper transport. Yay!!!