Re-Invention

After all the comments (thank you thank you thank you) and lots of thinking, I had a long chat with R about what to do. He said I should give J a chance to get his act together, find somewhere decent to live, stop treating me like a London tourist meeting house.

I told J I was sorry but I needed some space to myself. He knew right at the start that I was the sort of person that needed my space. I said I didn't want him to bring the children up this weekend. We should find some good quality time later and see if we can get back the feelings we had when we first met. He was very put out that I re-arranged his weekend as he was looking forward to showing the children more of London and being together as a family.

That sort of sealed it for me. He ranted and raved about how his stupid ex was manipulating him and changing the pick-up times for the girls when I said he should go along with it because he knew when she dropped them off she'd mixed up the days, whatever the reason. But no, he stuck to his guns and said he'll let her have them back at his convenience.

But then 'his convenience' changed once I said I wanted the weekend to myself. They are going back today as per her text message to him.

Last night we sort of made it up and he understood that I wasn't happy about seeing him while he was under so much stress with the children around. Then he spent another hour until well past midnight complaining with much venom about his ex. He agreed he should move on but doesn't know how. Rants more. I end up feeling stressed. So to end the conversation I have to look at more pianos he's looking at on eBay.

Enough already!

I still miss him and would like to be with him. Now I need to see if I can get some more of 'me' into the relationship. R's point at keeping with J for the moment is I was so happy when I met him, it's not going to do me much good to break off with him like that.

Got a couple of videos out which were interesting. 9 1/2 weeks. Always wanted to see that. Great film, sad ending. Also one of the modern Kama Sutra videos. That made me think too. Would J ever be in that position where he would 'honour my body' rather than going for the kill straight off each time? Looking forward to the others of the series. Wondered about watching them with J but I think he prefers the idiot films with stupid story lines and big boobies.

In the mean time, two more things to consider. I've made contact with Farzad again and he's so sweet and would still like to see me. That makes me feel more confident. I'm still curious about him. And I'd love a bit of time with somebody with more similar interests to mine.

Also my ex - S - rang up yesterday after 5 months of nothing. It was actually nice to talk to him and reminded me of why we were attracted to eachother in the first place. Very sad too. He wanted to come back to the UK for a while but I said no. He's lovely and charming and easy to talk to but I can't take him back. That would be fatal. I signed the initial divorce papers today and sent them back.

Getting back into Radiography is going to be more difficult than I imagined. There are so many hoops of fire to get through. Will I get there, I wonder? Pondering about doing a counselling course or colour therapy or thinking about yet another career. Concentrate Woman!!!!!

Yes, I must concentrate, not let the stress get to me, regularise my days again and eat more thoughtfully. God, I hate it the way things can un-balance me so easily.

Feminism

Let's put it another way. I end up with unavailable men. I stick with them and to survive I get on and do my own thing. So it's a reaction to the men I choose? Well, not really.

Take this time. J wants to be with me.  We are both attacted to eachother. But I feel like he's using me.

• He likes to be in London.
• He likes my clean house.
• He likes my mind and my interests.
• He likes our physical relationship.
• He likes that I'm patient with his children and that I was happy to take them in for a few days while he sorted out the yard. They certainly liked it with me too.

So I'm a lovely person. I'm accommodating. I think of others. I'm helpful.

Then I think, I must try and make some space in this for myself. I am allowed demands, aren't I?

So I said jokingly on the phone, I hope I get a nice meal out of this for looking after your girls.

He said he'd already bought me a nice meal (yeah, the one in the pub when we argued, and it was a dried out chicken I couldn't eat). Jokingly, of course. Everything is a joke.

So I tried to say I get confused when everything is a joke. I don't know when he's being serious.

He doesn't understand this and changes the subject.

Today, he's stressed out in the yard, the girls are giving him grief, he's complaining about all the people he knows taking advantage of him, I talk a bit about co-dependency. He talks, he talks, complains, talks. After a while I say I have to hang up because my free hour will be up and I have to call back. He won't go for ages.

He rings me back later, we talk (he talks) and we talk about how much we appreciate eachother and I mentioned it would be nice to have a bit of time to talk about things that are on my mind.

He said that's OK, he's not offended by me saying that.

Who'se talking about being offended? Did I offend him? No, I can't be doing with mind games. We agree to talk some more later.

This started off with feminism. That dirty word. What does it mean to me? Do I go off and do my own thing? Already in this relationship we're drifting apart.

I tried to show my vulnerable side a few days ago. Isn't that what men like? I hate doing it because I've been hurt in the past. Though early on in a relationship men have been very attracted to the vulnerable inside. But I thought I have to let down the barriers, even if I do get hurt. I have to see.

It was pillow talk. I told him I was feeling like I was letting down my barriers and it was scary. I said I suppose I was feeling a bit vulnerable right now.

And this man, who 'rescues' people left right and centre ignored me.

He married his first wife because she and her children were in a shelter. He befriended an alcoholic and gave him a home and support before he died. One best friend has cerebral palsy. He has given a group of homeless lads caravans to stay on in his yard, though he does get paid as they are working. His mother was (and still is) manipulative and abusive. Though now at last she's not living with him but is in a home.

He was extremely generous to people in the past. He's given me the odd few pounds for food towards me caring for his children but can't seem to factor in to this things like electricity and soap and all the other things I didn't buy there and then. He's buying a £600,000 house in Dorset shortly and I'm on income support for heavens sake!  And he still has the yard!!!!!

I don't know if I can heal up all the ills that have been done against him. I really do need something or somebody for myself. Or at least stop giving myself away so much.

I got really depressed this week. Thought I was over that too. Oh dear.

Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship yet.

I sent a quick email to FZ after listening to an interview with an Iranian comedienne on Radio 4 this morning. He won't reply after the way I stopped writing to him, but it does show me that my mind isn't 100% on my relationship with J.

What do I get from the relationship? It was supposed to be me playing a more traditional role of being protected and less dominant. But it seems to be, for the moment at least, that I'm feeling rather used.

Yes, reality at last.

Here's where I am.

Spent loads of time with J. 2 weeks with his 2 girls too (lovely kids but full of verrucas!). I got really upset with the way he rants on about his divorce and the way she treated him. Says he's over it but there's something he's not over, that's for sure. But he rants on about all sorts of problems he has around his yard and farm. Territorial problems so much worse than anything I've ever heard of in the town or suburbia. What a lot to learn about!

So it was getting me down, along with the sub human conditions he was living in. OK to think of camping for a few days, but I'm getting too old for this kind of thing. Filthy hut. Old 2 burner stove. No running water (tap outside), boil up water for washing up and washing. Filthy yard toilet. He's doing up the mobile home now and we've designed and chosen the kitchen and bathroom. Even though we found a bed from the tip and could sleep in relative comfort in the old sitting room, washing was still a problem and making me sore. Not feeling clean and having sex twice a day isn't something I want to do for more than a day or so.

So I said I couldn't come down any more until the mobile home was habitable. I can't be around to look after his girls when they come next week. They'll have to look after themselves while he works on the renovations. But they can all come up to London whenever they like of course.

It all came to a head when after a long day I couldn't face cooking and he was trimming fences hoping for a nice meal to come home to. I just couldn't do it. He understood, I suppose. It carried on to the next day and I took umbridge that he wanted a couple of beers at lunch time and thought I'd drive. Not that heavy old ex Forestry Commission 4x4! So he'd drive on 2 pints. Very uncomfortable with that and told him he wasn't as considerate as he claimed to be. Didn't go down well, although he stuck to one pint in the end.

On the way home, after looking at his Dorset house again (not exchanged contracts just yet) he went silent. Back at the yard we argued and I told him he should just take me to the station, I'd go home whatever the time. We sort of got through that but we agreed we need to give eachother more leeway, it's expecting a lot after just 2 months knowing eachother. But I'm not coming down again until the place is more habitable. Maybe he'll come up and see me in London. He was much more relaxed here.

So I guess we've got through our first difficult patch. It gets harder the older I am. Too tired to be dealing with this in my 50's. Oh, well.

Back home and sorting my life out again. Found another contact for re-training as a Radiographer. The local return to work co-ordinator. Will they ring me back?

Cooler today at last and I can sit in the garden with no music from the neighbour and a bit of time to think.