Re-Invention

Five months! It doesn't seem possible. Six months since going out with B. Everything going well. All very positive.

It's not about B and love life or that kind of stuff I'm writing about now. This is going to be a work blog for a while. Then and now. Lady with no name to lady with something to say. Hmmmmm.... How to start.

Today I was standing up infront of 5 young lads about to start training in IT. Nervous lads. They were all unemployed before coming to our company. This is the start of their future. And I'm playing a large part in it. Not just organising but helping with the soft skills training and giving them backup and form to the 6 month course.

I stood up infront of them and spoke. And they listened. And they smiled. And they answered questions I posed. And they looked to me for reassurance when my boss (standing beside me giving them her own in your face version of training) challenged them. I'm still in shock that the person who started writing this blog last year is the one who has just been promoted, company car, much more responsibility and lots of opportunities for development.

Is that really the same person  !!!!!!!!!

The blog might be transferred to the council's intranet but until then I'll write unedited.

It begins.....

We have 6 weeks to get this up and running. Can you do it?

Um, well, OK yes. I can do it.......... I WILL do it.

Here's the business case. Here's the outline course. You still need to do your normal job and we'll give you as much help as we can.

(Actually, I'm still being paid as a typist, but never mind, it will stand me in good stead)

Get to it. Plan timescales. Organise trainers. Interviews. Tests.

Whole day of presentations. I have a session, big boss has a session, HR have a session. Was I nervous, or was I nervous???? Oh, my goodness. Said the same thing over and over, forgot what I was talking about and went blank, nervous voice. Oh, well, big boss was very sympathetic.

Letters. Phone calls. Interview feedback to the unlucky candidates... that was an interesting experience. First person who called I told them where they went wrong. It was supposed to be easy as it was all written down for me.

Wrong.

I messed up. Boss, very politely (she's good at acting) Remember we interviewed a lot of very high quality candidates and it was a difficult decision.

OK. Next one that called, start with the high calibre of candidates, then positive remarks, then the bits that they can improve on. That felt a lot better. By the time I had spoken to all the unsuccessful candidates I sounded like an expert on interview techniques and even the mothers were ringing me thanking me for my feedback. How cool is that? (not my phrase) 

Then the successful candidates call in with their passports and grins from ear to ear. Now it all feels real. All the planning and blood sweat and tears are paying off. The process works! And we have some really good trainees who just needed this chance to make something of themselves.

Contracts. Accounts. Timetable. Re-write the timetable. Talk to engineers. Re-write timetable. Get an idea of the course as an entity, not just 25 pages of lessons. This is getting hairy! Just a week till the course starts.

Suddenly the whole office came together and we all helped eachother.

It was no longer my course, my headache, but OUR course and they were HELPING.

They were helping ME.

Yes, of course it's their job and they want it to be successful. So they were helping themselves too.

But wasn't it wierd to have people on my side.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO FIGHT!

But.

Gulp! What are we doing to these people? Giving them the corporate spiel? I don't think that's going to do anything for them, or for us. They've worked in shoe shops and burger bars, this is not going to go down well with them.

Same time the boss has a gulp moment and takes bull by the horns. We look more closely at the timetable and make it more user friendly. The slides we were promised didn't come till the last minute. I can't be doing with that. I'll make it up as I go along.

That looks better. Not only does the timetable look better, I realise I'm using skills I hadn't used for year. Talking to my boss and she listens. Contributing. Understanding. Feedback. Negotiating. Comparing. And I'm learning much more directly from her. This is someone who might even be a role model. Me, who never had role models. Interesting turn in life.

We did play the 'it's up to you' dance.

She: It looks like I'm doing all the lectures now.

Me: I can do this one if you like. This one is right up my street and I'd love to do it. Would you like me to do any?

She: Do you think you'll be alright doing it?

Me: Yes. I need to get on and do it. For myself as much as anything. Would it be helpful for you if I took some sessions?

She: Well, whatever. I don't mind. It's up to you. If you want to do it then go ahead.

Me (thinks): Does she mean she's being a kind boss and giving me some scope but she really wants to do it? I can't tell what she means. I have to do what I want to do. Which is take some sessions myself. Even if I'm no good. I need the practice then I won't dry up.

Got that out of the way. Starts on Tuesday. Are you ready? No, I'll work over the weekend. Practice what I'm going to say then I wont dry up.

Weekend. B gives me pep talk. I must look at it as an acting job (that's his profession, so reasonable he thinks like that). By end of weekend I was confident but still didn't feel I could speak what I'd planned.

Re-wrote the lot and it sounded much better.

B gave me a confidence exercise which worked. It seemed to change the nerve pathways in my brain. One day I'm going to write a book about this and how all the threads come together, change, tennis, Alexander Technique, meditation, re-learning ways of thinking, being. One day I'll have the words to put them together and it'll make a lot of sense.

It's the end of day 2 today. I'm far more relaxed with the group and speaking infront of everyone. Exhausted too. Happy exhausted. I went to pottery this evening and threw some new shapes, did a good job, found some energy to be really creative. Thank goodness that's still there despite all the energy I'm using up at work.

I think tomorrow I'll write about the trainees. There are group dynamics going on that we've encouraged. This time I'm on the outside watching and not on the inside doing. Very different experience. Enlightening. Humbling. I feel very privaleged to be part of this.

A month has passed since I wrote. Yes, what a month. I hardly know where to start. Infact it seems odd to be writing. What do I say? B and I are going well? We spend as much time as we can together? That would be an understatement.

There are still some things to be got through...

Like he's really nervous about coming to my house. That's important to me though, and we've talked about it. Like meeting his friends. Meeting eachothers families. I'm not really ready for that. It's just so nice to be in our own little bubble. We had our first night together which was amazing. I didn't have to go home and we could spend the whole night chatting, hugging, touching. We hardly slept and paid for it the next day.

We can't have new years eve together cos he always has a gig on new years eve. He's not comfortable with me seeing him perform yet. Because his public side is so opposite to his private side.

Our backgrounds are very different. Doesn't worry me, but will it worry my family?

I tell you, there is nothing better in the world than being treated like a woman. With love. With respect. With protection and space when I want it. To be teased with such grace. To be sung to. To have a song written about me. To dress up and be appreciated. To dress to impress him rather than try to look good and still be ignored.

We text eachother all day and evening when we aren't together. Often romantic, sometimes sexy. Text sex is a bit cumbersome but possible. Good fun!

I still look for those nagging doubts. The ones I should have listened to with previous relationships. What are they here? Can I live with them? Well, he likes to look good and I catch him looking at himself in mirrors when we are out. That's really funny. Quite cute really. He loves attention I think and gets plenty as a performer. But with me he's hardly like that at all. What else? He loves his little dog. That's not a problem at all. She's devoted to him.

He's a couple of stone overweight. This is a problem as he had a heart attack about 8 years ago and our late nights and other antics recently brought on an angina attack. His diet is dreadful. Maybe he'll want to eat a bit better in time. Though if that's the way he wants to be I'll live with it. He's got a temper and that got him into trouble in the past. I think he keeps away from trouble now because of his health. When I look at my ex's latent temper and compare it with B's, there is a world of difference. My man does not have that kind of temper at all.

He says I analyse things too much and now I'm learning to go with my feelings more and analyse less.

Only time will tell.

I'll write more soon if anyone is interested in the ramblings of a 50 something woman in love!

About Pollygarter's comment on whether to have sex if you both want to or to hold off for a time.

Take J. No longer dating him but I miss him even though he had far too much baggage for comfort. Maybe the most open and interesting sexual relationship I'll ever have. We were very compatible. He misses me too. We talk on the phone a couple of times a week. There was chemistry at first sight, thought it was more, but turned out not. I suppose I'd have stuck with him through the baggage if I'd have thought about it. Maybe I bailed out too soon. On the other hand I have a history of sticking too long with relationships that are one sided.

Take F. He called me up yesterday and he said I hadn't given him enough of a chance and we should get back together again. We talked more on the phone than we'd done in all the time we were seeing eachother. I probably didn't give the process enough of a chance, but I was just feeling uncomfortable with him.

We had sex on our first date and it wasn't great at all. We both wanted to, but in retrospect, maybe I didn't want to as much as I thought. Perhaps if we'd developed more of a relationship it would have been better. We'd have been communicating.

Now is a chance to try a different way.

B. and I met up last Sunday for a drink and he just made me feel really comfortable and happy. We saw eachother Tuesday evening and it feels like I've known him longer. Off to spend the day together today. I'd better turn off the computer and get ready! Just a peck on the cheek from him.

Chemistry. I can feel it growing inside me. Now that might just be a result of my own needs and desires. Or part of the relationship. I don't know at all.

In the background is T. We've had some interesting talks on line. Had thought about meeting but he backed down. We talked about chemistry and letting it run away with us prematurely. He'd had a couple of encounters he'd regretted. He may have been saying that without meaning it, but it's food for thought.

Well, I gave in. When F. walked through the door I felt like I needed a hug. He was late, as usual. No apology. We walked up to the restaurant, had a nice meal, quite nice conversation, went for a walk after, showed him a lovely local bit of London. Not very close. He said he really liked me and felt a lot closer to him. I said I didn't feel I knew him all that well. He opened up a bit more on the walk which was nice.

I don't know, there was something empty. We got back to mine for a coffee. Then I gave in. I don't know why I do it, why I don't say no. He's not particularly stunning. But I do find it funny the way he expects me to provide the condom. Anyway, he enjoyed himself, not much of a look in for me. At least this time he wasn't up and away within 15 minutes. More like 30 minutes.

I think I laughed when he left. What on earth is going on? I asked myself why do I do it? A quick email from him in the week, then he had to go and visit his daughter who just had a baby. Fair enough. Nice to have a break anyway. Quiet weekend.

Who said quiet weekend?

First J. old boyfriend rings. We have a lovely chat and wonder what it would be like to get back together again. I still turn him on when we talk on the phone. It was so, so, so funny! (And very nice to have an open friendship with J. still) He was jerking off while I talked to him and just before THE moment his girlfriend rang on his mobile. This has to go down in the most funniest moments of my life. He rang back later to apologise and generously thought it was as funny as I thought. Not enough there for him to drop his girlfriend and I wanted to finish with F. before commiting ourselves. Still, it was nice to talk to him.

Next. Two lovely lads on the dating site. The One into the Archers and the other a professional musician I wrote about last time. Both lovely. Easy to write to. Then Archers suddenly stopped writing and withdrew his profile. I waited a few days and nothing. Wrote to say sorry not to hear from him. Nothing. Oh, well, another one sounds interesting then suddenly stops. You can never tell with people.

Writing a bit more to the musician and we decided to meet yesterday. I can't begin to explain what an incredible difference it was to meet somebody who actually made me feel good about myself. I can't explain what it was he did, but I felt I could really trust him. And what a gentleman. I resolved this time I'd get to know him before a physical relationship. No worries about that. It didn't arise and I didn't mind at all. A relief actually.

This made me think about the chemical attraction business. No doubt about it, the feeling is great. I had that for years with my ex husband (though it wasn't reciprocated) and still do with J. who is the most totally unsuitable long term partner but great in bed. It made me think about the subject of sex early on in a relationship and whether it really was a good idea if you want a long term relationship.

They say about a man not respecting you if you have sex too early. In that case I went wrong quite a few times. Those chemicals are great. But maybe it's time to keep the good memories and try it a different way.

I don't know the answer. All I know is this guy made me feel very different to others I've met. Time will tell. We are arranging to meet for dinner tomorrow.

And then in the mean time, damnit, Archers wrote back and apologised for not writing, some family problems. A very nice letter. A really nice letter. Aw gawd. So I decided to be totally honest, say I'd been a bit of an idiot to jump to conclusions and I'd just started to see someone. Told him I didn't know what to do. No point in being anything but honest. I don't think I know what I want at all.

I wrote a dear John email to F. this evening. What a coward to do it by email. I didn't really know what else to do. He never emails, never phones, just very short text messages. Glad I did it though, it wasn't going anywhere.

Cooling off with F.

F. eventually contacted me on Monday, emailed to say he had a nice time. Some short notes back and forth. On Thursday I finally sorted out when I would see my daughter's play at RADA - Saturday evening. Son coming over for the day Sunday. So I apologised for the late notice but would he like a quiet evening on Friday or I could cook him lunch Saturday. No, he's going to a funeral on Saturday. Another time. OK, another time. Today he suggested we meet up at mine and go for a meal on Monday. That's OK, but there's no way I'm indulging in hanky panky on a week night on a full stomach. Let's see if it's me he likes or if he has a typical one track mind.

Old boyfriend J.

In the mean time.....

Talk about having fun....

J. called, the ex boyfriend. It was really nice talking to him again and even though there were a lot of difficult things between us, we definitely have good communications. I wonder if it would work better if I ignore all the long term no-no's like his ex wife and problems with contact with his children and his odd friends. Well, we're keeping in touch.

The guy I was corresponding with has fizzled out, though he said he wanted to carry on, things were getting interesting. I can't figure people out somehow. Maybe they just want a pen pal.

Another guy who was really, and I mean really, interesting. Quite a sharp tongue on him. Very intellectual. Was going well then that stopped suddenly.

And now a very sweet guy who is a professional guitarist and singer and even lives locally. Wants to meet for a drink.

I'm feeling very much on my own and loving it. Totally.

Food for thought - I remember what my therapist said to me, about being attracted to men who are unavailable for some reason. Hmmmmm....

R. can't be contacted

While all this is going on, my telephone friend R. who I've been talking to most nights for the past few years is really ill (cancer and secondaries all over the place) and can't contact me. His old partner has stopped work to look after him. He's very protective of him. All these men together, can't be good. I feel a bit useless as I've always been able to cheer up R. even in his darkest times. I hope he's OK. He managed to send out a secretive email to me to say he's still alive but not quite kicking but I can't write back or it'll be discovered that he's contacted me.

At least he's still alive.

Why on earth would I be sitting here on a Saturday night writing a blog? Could it be something to do with my date going wrong. Correct.

It started off well. Last two times F. was late, just a bit, but it doesn't feel good waiting around for someone and I don't know whether they will turn up and waiting in a strange underground station.

This time I decided I'd be late. I texted him and said I'm running late will be there half an hour later than arranged. That was OK. Going around the gallery was sort of interesting. We saw the Velasquez exhibition at the National Gallery. I joked with him that this time he didn't need one of those headphone guides as he had me. He lasted 10 minutes and ran for the guide.

Those guides are quite extraordinary. We complain on the tube and the bus about people who have their iPods on too loud. Yet here we were in an art gallery trying to concentrate, every one of us. And all over the place you could hear the cheep cheep cheep of those guides and linking music. What a racket!

I tried to talk to F. about some of the paintings, stuff they didn't put in the guides. But he really did not understand. I pride myself in communicating arty things to non arty people. But I gave up on F.

Not to worry. My turn for lunch. We ate at the gallery and had a lovely meal. I asked him all about his teenage years and 20's and felt some kind of connection with him hearing some of the stuff he talked about. How he opened up. Stuff he's never talked to anyone about before. Then we went off for a nice walk and I promised him I'd find a way to cheer him up. It poured with rain, so romantic walking over the Thames, big Ben and the houses of Parliament against a black sky with the sun on the river and a rainbow behind us.

We stopped off in a cafe on the south bank, soaking wet. Had some wine. Then I engaged him in a conversation about quantum physics. Not that I know much about it, but I'm curious about the non-existence of things we've taken for granted. He's a physicist. Great discussion. Going well.

He wanted to come back to my place. Didn't take long to say yes. But I don't know what it is. It's like trying to mate with a stone again. And after it was the same thing. Quick shower while I was downstairs making a bit of dinner (home made soup). He didn't want to eat and couldn't get out of the house fast enough (9pm). He's so all over me and romantic and when it comes down to it, there's nothing there.

I dunno. I'm not going to contact him first this time. See what happens. Next time (if there is a next time) there's no going back to my place.

Better... better... better...

First off, they've extended my contract until the end of December. And that means not only will I have a nice Christmas for the first time in years, I can get stuck into my job and make it interesting and challenging for me. They are really piling on the variety. Now it looks like I'm going to be cleaning up their database. Grotty job, needs a lot of concentration, understanding of the system (which I don't have too much yet) and when it's done I'll be the star of the show because nobody else would do it.

F. my Persian date carried on being georgous. We had a really nice meal in the Persian restaurant. He didn't hold back with his affections. It was a very romantic meal. Afterwards there was nowhere really to go so he offered to drive me back to my house. I made him promise a cup of coffee and no more. Needless to say, his affections got the better of me and I thought what's the point in playing hard to get when I want to be got. If that means he doesn't respect me afterwards then maybe I'll learn the hard way.

Trouble is, he went home quite abruptly afterwards and didn't contact me even after I emailed him twice. Serves me right, I thought. Got to learn somehow. It was fun.

So I went back on the dating sites and corresponded with a few interesting fellows. One turned out to be some kind of freak who I cut off straight away. You can never tell from the profiles. One I contacted who was rather georgous but his replies to me were curt and felt a bit like game playing. He wanted an intelligent woman who would speak her mind. I did. He wrote back rather more conciliatory and I wrote in a similar tone. Still waiting to hear from him but I'm not particularly comfortable with him.

I think I'm getting the hang of this now.

Then came along a very nice fellow who is actually going out with someone but wanted to write anyway. We've been exchanging longer and longer emails and it's so easy to write to him as if we speak the same language. So no pressure either way. What's nice about this guy is I'm not feeling amorous about someone I've never met. That must be a healthy sign. Perhaps I'm starting to focus on the person instead of my own needs for a physical relationship.

Then on Tuesday F. sent me a text to say his network had broken down which is why he couldn't email me. But why didn't he text me earlier? That was confusing. We've arranged to meet up again tomorrow. I wonder how it'll be. He seems keen enough again. Will I still be keen though?

Yes, it's over

It worked out OK in the end. J said he'd still like to see me and I him, but not with a long term relationship in mind. He said he'd call on Saturday and didn't. So that was it as far as I was concerned. He called on Sunday and apologised for not calling Saturday and I just said I didn't think it would work but it would be nice to keep in touch and see how we were getting on with life. Haven't heard from him since and don't expect to either. A little sad, I suppose, but not much. Just thought of him once on the bus into work.

F. my Persian date

These half hour bus journeys are dreadful on the imagination. I take a book to read but wander off all the time. Keep thinking about my new guy F. We will be meeting on a proper date tomorrow. Cos I hadn't seen J. for such a long time it's been 2 months since being out with a man. I wish the reality would be as good as my imagination!

We are going to a local Persian restaurant he thinks is really good. This still hasn't stopped me from looking at the dating web sites again. So many men and not enough time!!! but anyway, we'll see how it goes tomorrow.

Job going well but may end

They throw all kinds of research and taks at me, stuff nobody else can concentrate on or has time to do. That's what I love. But the person I'm replacing is expected back from maternity leave in 3 weeks and that's all I have left to work. They didn't like the person I replaced and as she hasn't made contact with them for over a year they think she may not be coming back. But I'll have to 'sign off' contract on the day she's due back and see what happens. I hope they'll keep me on.

I love the mornings going to work. Walking down my road into the sunrise every day. It's been so calm and beautiful. Slightly chilly. Still very tired but getting much better. Although it's nearly 3pm now and I still haven't got dressed. Nice to have a lazy day. Bu&&er - I have to go into town and buy something nice for tomorrow!!! EEEEEEK!!!

Nice to have some money in the bank account again. Even if it's only for a few weeks.

I'm curious to find out how the creative side of me disappears when things are going well. I can't imagine who I was a year ago. Why can't I be creative when I'm happy?

Better get dressed and go out. Planning on a nice relaxing day with a lovely bath and essential oils before I meet F tomorrow evening. Can't do it without something decent to wear.

Third week and getting stronger!!!

Three weeks of work and I'm still here and smiling. What a change, didn't imagine this. Anyway.... here's the news.

Job
I'm using all my different skills, all the things I never thought I'd need to do again - web design, copy editing, formatting spreadsheets, saving onto floppies, taking minutes, filing (yes, what a pile!), the list is endless.

It's sort of almost perfect for what I need at the moment. The only glitch in the process is my pay. I have a contract for my hourly wage from an employment bureau, but the company said they were prepared to pay the bureau £4 an hour less!!!! They are still paying me the original but I don't know where this will lead or whether the bureau will absorb the difference. No idea what the company are actually paying. It's a contract job so they could change the terms if they wanted, I guess. Not happy to take a £4 an hour drop in wages though! Will wait and see what happens. If it works well there's a possibility of long term employment. Fingers crossed.

Pottery
Started that on Wednesday. I had 4 pots ready for glazing from last year thinking that would be a gentle route back into classes. But that didn't take long and I ended up throwing 2 more little pots. One of them was OK so I'm getting back into it quicker than I imagined. It's very complicated juggling dinner, washing and ironing, sandwiches for the next day, looking after the cats and getting sleep. Let alone going out one evening a week. This week though I went to the Barbican to see a full screening of Metropolis with a live film orchestra. Absolutely amazing!

What was funnier was getting ready to go out to the film from work. They didn't recognise me with my hair down!

A New Man
Now there's a thing. Getting more and more fed up with the idea of J. And he can't stop bitching about his ex and how he's not going to see his children any more because of the way she's treating him. I don't know, there isn't anything I can say any more. His life is just overwhelmingly complicated.

So I thought I'd write back to another man I'd met on the dating site at the same time I'd met J. We'd corresponded on and off and he was quite interesting. I logged into my hotmail account just to see if he'd written again and he'd sent me a very erotic poem he wrote a few days earlier. He'd only sent it because he'd given up on me responding. We wrote a bit and he sent me an offer I couldn't refuse....

Meet up at the Rodin exhibition at the Royal Academy last Saturday!

How could I resist? J. was seeing his children and I hadn't seen him for a couple of weeks anyway. It wouldn't harm, it wasn't as if I was actually being unfaithful in the biblical sense.

Met up on Saturday, instant chemistry, the only thing was he is just a couple of inches taller than me and I'm so used to tall men. My first husband was smaller than me and I swore I'd never go out with a smaller man again. I just don't stand up tall. That goes for psychologically as well as physically.

We had a lovely day. The exhibition was nice and I could see his eyes pop out at some of the drawings. I'm very used to frank poses drawn by famous artists. Odd names like 'woman with her clothes awry' when she's so obviously posing as masturbating! He thought the pictures would go well in the Kama Sutra. That name comes up again. Lots of close up chats about the exhibits (from an artistic point of view only). Then after he bought me lunch in the restaurant there.

We got to chat about his background more. I'm curious because he's from Iran and politically exiled. More romantic to call it Persia, that's how he sees his old country. We seemed to have quite a lot in common. After lunch he took my hands in his and looked at my life lines and gave me a little spiel about what he saw. It was cute, he was trying to impress. All I could think about was his hands and his fingers all georgous and hairy. I love hairy men!

It was getting hot in the restaurant (I was getting hot in the restaurant) so we went down to the Embankment for a walk. We held hands, kissed a bit, watched the water. Something about the way he said 'give me your tongue' when we kissed that sealed it for me.

Well, the day ended with him asking if I would be his girlfriend and I said I wanted a little bit more time. Obviously very attracted to him. But something holding me back. Was it because I was still going out with J? Not really, something else, I needed to work it out.

I worked it out after a few days. All along I was thinking of relationships as being long term. I knew J. wasn't long term any more and thought it might be fun to just go out with him for a while longer. But my new man. He's probably not long term. I'm not wildly in love. How could I be after one meeting? So why should I think in terms of long term? I don't need to take him to meet my parents or children. I can just enjoy being with him for him for the time that feels right. Yessssss!!!! It's called 'dating'. How on earth can I know whether somebody will be a long term partner??????

Yes, well, the penny dropped and I feel a lot more like going out with him now. And so this weekend I will end it with J.

Ending it with J.
Here's how it stands now. On the phone with J yesterday I told him (as we'd already talked about it) that I was still feeling a bit distant from him with all the time we were apart. Then I reminded him that when we first started going out he said how important it was for him that he was looking for a long term partner and wasn't interested in just casual relationships. And I said that I didn't think we would have a long term future, I couldn't see myself moving in with him, depending on him, and earning part time for pin money. It's just not me any more. Very tired with work and can't see me having the energy to come down to Dorset on the train for the weekend.

My idea was to plant the seed in his mind and he would end it with me. Time for it to sink in. He was going to call today and let me know if and when he was coming to see me.

Called earlier this evening saying he felt a bit flat, wasn't sure about coming up this evening. We talked a bit about our feelings for eachother. I have to be honest, I still enjoy his company for short periods, and the bedroom department is good when we first get together. He still likes the idea of coming up to London, some culture, or cinema, home comforts and the sex. He decided to call tomorrow to tell me whether he can come up to see me.

The reasoning behind this, instead of just saying I don't want to go out with you any more, is because all his previous relationships have ended up sour and he just walked out never to speak again. As I'm the first person he said he's ever REALLY talked to, I thought it would be better for his ego if it would be him doing the dumping and we should part in a good mood.

I'm a dumping virgin really. Or a coward. I haven't dumped anyone since my teens. Just protracted heartache with two difficult marriages.

More blog after the weekend.

The Job

First week over. It wasn't too bad after all.

I'm sooooo tired!!!!!!!

Feet still ache!!!!!!!! And it's Sunday.

Although yesterday I made myself drive all the way over to the blues club despite being late and going a different route. Didn't know a soul when I got there. Sat on my own. Then joined somebody for a better view of the group. They were OK, but they had a guest guitarist who was really good. Left with only a fiver in my purse and they wouldn't take a cheque. So I had to drink lemonades. Next week I'll be paid - yipeee!!!

The Boyfriend

J. called and is missing me. He didn't come this weekend cos he had more stuff to move down to Dorset. He said he'd lost his dog yesterday and with a long drawn out story with his mouth full of crips (I complained cos I couldn't understand a word he was talking about) the dog was delivered to the local vet. Why he didn't say he was OK to start with I don't know.

Yes, the more I talk to him, the more I know he's not a long term relationship. But I do like the idea of an occasional comfortable weekend with him. Not next weekend as his children are visiting. I need to sit through the 'bitch' stories for a while when he complains about his ex. But being tired, I won't have the patience for much - ha ha!

Other men, shopping, pottery classes

It's funny, but I've started thinking more about my ex again. I got sad driving back from the blues club, I know he would have enjoyed it. He hasn't written for a week which means he's on a writing jag again and probably won't emerge for weeks.

I also got sad when I went to Sainsburys. I put nicer things in my basket for the first time since February. Fine beans. Spinach. Nectarines. Pate. Olive oil. Nice shampoo. I've been surviving on such basic stuff for so long they seem like nectar. Is this nightmare really going to come to an end????? I can hardly believe it.

Next week pottery starts. I'll have to try and move my class to an evening class. Not sure whether I'll have enough energy to go after work, but it's worth it to see. The plan is it'll energise me.

Today, some mending. The hem came down on my cheap polyester trousers. It rained too much last night to be able to cut the grass. Maybe it'll be OK to stay long this winter.

One more video to watch and send back the Blockbuster subscription. Then I just have the Screen Select one to run. I have a nice sexy one to watch and if J. doesn't come over he'll miss it too!!! Hard luck.

R.'s health is steadily getting worse. He was given another whole body scan yesterday, still isn't able to keep his food down, but seems to be on top of things mentally. He doesn't feel like talking much on the phone but mostly calls every evening. I don't cheer him up as much as I used to do. It used to be easy to get him talking about spending 6p on a bar or chocolate and now he wouldn't dream of spending £1-10/- He's said a bit about it being more serious this time. At least he'll know where he stands after the results of his scan yesterday.

He gave me a really good verbal personal reference for my job. He's such a great person.

Health

I've stopped bleeding! What a relief. Still on the progesterone tablets, but maybe that means the hyperplasia is under control. Haven't had an appointment through for my checkup yet so I won't know for a while.

And to move on...

Now, let's see who I am now. Slighly lonely woman in her 50's with greying hair who doesn't want to cut it short. Go to work with it tied up and let it down at the end of the day.

I can do lots more than they thought I could - help out with presentations using software I hadn't used before, setting out the posh tea and biscuits and brochures for board meetings. I fluff answering the phone a bit and forget the name of the company. Must be my age. Forget people's names (always been like that). I concentrate, multi-task and put a little extra into the jobs I do. They say that although the job is meant to be until mid November, it'll probably last until the new year. Depending on whether the original post holder comes back or not (she's just had twins) it could go on indefinitely and the job will expand. Sounds perfect for me. As long as I don't get too exhausted.

The bus journey to work is slow and painful. Takes 45 mins to get there and an hour to get back. I think I'll take the car when the winter comes. Maybe I'll get less tired.

The pay is reasonable. The people are nice. There's a great anti-bullying attitude and they don't talk behind people's backs. All is looking hopeful so far.

The odd evening out will mean I have to leave from work and take a change of clothes on the bus and my dinner as well as lunch. Off to see the film Metropolis at the Barbican next Monday. I wonder how much I should tell them about myself. Will they accept my wierdness? The only time I've ever been really accepted was at art school.